I've been thinking a lot lately about my first girlfriend, not T but Lisa - the complete online relationship. It was hard and hurtful in the end, I don't even know if she is/was who she said she was and I have no idea what happened in the end, but she is on my mind so much lately. I'm missing her like crazy right now and the song that is playing "Tears in Heaven" - Eric Clapton, is bringing me close to tears just because she had me download it for her. It's not fair, right now I want her back so much (in person though) but I know I will never talk to her again and I have no way to either. I loved her so much, more than T. While I was with T I thought I loved her more, but I see that was because we were in person and not because I really loved her more, though I did love her very much also. I don't like this feeling I'm having, it is really close to being heartbroken and close to how I was feeling when I knew I wasn't going to hear from Lisa again and that was a year ago. And now I am crying. My choice of music isn't helping, sad love songs. Am I going to love Lisa forever, always wanting her back when I'm feeling lonely, am I going to still think about her when I'm with someone else? I never had closure and I don't know what happened to her, my heart is really lost tonight. We had such big plans for our future. This is crazy, I'm still in love with someone who was a phantom through our entire relationship because we never met in person. Grrrr.

Lisa I know you'll never read this, but you did something to me when we met and my heart hasn't been the same since. For quite a while you made me the happiest I had ever been and then it started hurting because I wanted so much more with you than what we had and before I knew it you were gone, leaving me heartbroken and wondering what happened to you. I was mad, I was hurt, I was depressed, damn I even moved knowing I needed to get somewhere I could make a new start to my life, and yet here I am crying, dreaming about you, listening to the songs that remind me of you, and wishing with all my might to have you back in my life because you've never left my heart. I'm inspired by the love of a fellow diarylander and her partner, and I'm scared because what they have I think is what we would have had and now you're gone, what if that love was only possible with you?