Today is not a good day, but I'm getting ahead of myself. First, yesterday.

Yesterday I saw T for the first time since the break up. I took a morning ferry across and she picked me up. When I first got in the car I didn't know what to do because usually we kiss and this time I couldn't do that, but she leaned over and we hugged and she kissed my cheek and then we drove the forty minutes into the city. We talked now and then, not about "it" just about whatever came to mind. We went to breakfast and started talking about it, and there were a few points where the tears were close but they stayed in my throat and hers the same. I couldn't eat much, as has been the case since monday. I'm starving but once I have food I take a bite and I can barely get it down. After breakfast we went to a cafe and talked more, not a lot about us just about everyday things. It was nice. We felt comfortable around each other, we had some laughs, and it was all pretty good. There were times when it wasn't that good inside me because I would look at her mouth and remember kissing her and know that I won't be doing that again, and look at her hands (I love her hands) and know that I couldn't hold them anymore, and so on. But for the most part while I was with her it was good, I felt better. She broke my heart but she is still the only one that I want to talk to or see, especially when I'm feeling this way. I feel better because she's my bestfriend and it's my bestfriend that I want when my heart is sore, even though it's sore because of her. Seeing her was good.

We stayed in public because we knew if we were alone, for more than just driving, we would probably start crying, which I think now might have been a good thing had we cried together. But so after tea there wasn't really anything else we could do at this point so a little bit later she took me back to the ferry, hugged me and kissed my cheek again and I left. On the way home I felt alright, a few hours passed and I stayed alright and then it slowly started creeping back. I could feel the tears were coming and finally they did, I actually thought I might get through the day without any since I didn't cry when I saw her. And then we talked on the phone for a little while about how we were feeling and other things and I went to bed feeling not too badly.

On to today. This morning I had to get up early for work and as soon as the alarm went off I felt bad. I had breakfast and starting feeling physically bad to, but emotionally it was getting worse each minute. I wasn't sure I would make it to work because I was feeling ill, but I got there and I did the job. But all day I just kept on feeling worse and worse emotionally and mentally, physically it eventually turned fine. I did not want to be working. I did not want to be around people and either pretend everything was fine and I was happy, or just look grumpy. I went with grumpy because pretending right now is too hard for any length of time. I was told by two people today that I need to smile, but it didn't work. I just wanted to be alone. No, I just wanted to be with T so I can feel better. She doesn't have to be my girlfriend for me to feel good around her. I finished work and had the forty minute walk back and all the way the tears were close. At one point I had to clench my jaw really tight and close my eyes for a few seconds to hold them back. I got home, layed on my bed and cried, not a lot, not intensly, but tears none the less because I miss so much how happy I was when I could think of her before as my girlfriend, and now if I do that I have to myself stop and I hate that.

I understand more now why she broke up with me, and I even agree somewhat to her reason, but I had such hopes for us, and that what was missing would be there when I moved and we could spend more time together. I'm not mad at her, I don't hate her, I'm just upset that I loved this girl so much and she loved me and it still ended because it just wasn't right. Why couldn't it have been right? She said yesterday that we can't help who we fall in love with, and that's true and I don't at all regret falling for her, I only wish when two people fall in love it would be because it was right and not just almost right.

I really need time to pass so I can stop feeling bad and I can just be happy to have her as my friend. Anyone know some tricks for falling out of love fast and healing a broken heart fast? I sure don't.

I just found out I'm going to be an auntie! One good thing for today.