Well hello there dear diary it's been awhile, but it seems you've been doing just fine without me, how dare you! I finally have internet at home now, surprisingly I didn't miss it all that much now that I have no girlfriend to be chatting up a storm with, but it's nice to get back on without the wait at the library and the limited session time so I can see what my friends in diaryland are up to. I am loving my new home, though I'm stressed about work and bored at nights with nothing to do I love it, it's great.

Just last week I spent the evening at an author book reading, Ann-Marie MacDonald, if you don't know her she is a fellow Canadian, bestselling author, is an actress from such movies as Better Than Chocolate and I've Heard the Mermaids Sing, and is a playwrite oh and a dyke...as far as I know. And being all of those things she brought in an audience of around five hundred people the great majority being lesbians, it was fantastic, haha. I was so happy sitting in the middle of that room, looking around at all the women around me showing their love for each other, talking about having their commitment ceremony years ago, saying how cute they think Ann-Marie is, I can't begin to say how great it was to be in the middle of that. I'm just a small town girl never even seeing girls holding hands in public until I moved here, and kissing that was definately never something on display in good ole Q-town. Then to enter a room with five hundred butches, femmes, and everyone inbetween, pathetically I was so happy I could have cried. The woman sitting beside me was there with her partner and we started chatting, that was her first book reading as well. It was cool. Have I said yet how much I enjoyed that?

Goddess I get so happy and yet so sad at the same time whenever I see girls together here. It is the sweetest thing to see, for me, two girls holding hands and showing they are together it keeps me smiling goofily for the rest of the day but then it makes me remember I'm all alone here wishing that I wasn't. But the happiness overrides it all. I just can't stay jealous when seeing someone else so in love, it's nice to see that someone is.

I keep kicking myself over not saying something to a girl at that book reading. She was soooo cute and I had the perfect opening to talk to her, but my dumb brain didn't start working until she was walking away, grrr. She asked the women behind me if an advance ticket was needed or if she could get one at that door, they didn't know and already had tickets, but I was in the same boat as her. I wish I had said something. Damn she was cute. Maybe next time.

I have a job here, not enough to keep me in the dough but something. I actually ran into my old boss from PG who it turns out was transferred here just before I moved so she offered me a job and after a few weeks I started back with her. I hate the job as I did the first time I was doing it but it's some money while I look for something else. It's weird how things like that work out, both moving here when I thought I knew no one and then just running into her at the foodcourt. That just doesn't happen when there's three hundred thousand people you could run into. Someone is at work up stairs I think and I'm glad to know it.

I have a kitten, a little monster that loves biting and attacking me, but he's a cutie and he says hi when I come home so he gets forgiven.

It's weird thinking of myself living here for some reason. Actually at times it's weird thinking of myself as a lesbian, haha. Just for the fact that I'm not outgoing, I'm quiet, and I usually do what everyone wants and expects of me. Yet both things were totally not what anyone had thought for me. A few friends and my sister had their suspicions about my sexuality when I came out, but most never guessed and my mom was totally not thrilled with the fact. She's better now. And when I said I was moving, my mom again was not thrilled. It was just the right thing for me to do. When all my friends are still living in Q-town, either married or living at home, I'm off in my own world surrounded by strangers in a city I had never been to until the day I moved. I'm probably not making sense much with this, but doing something like that isn't me, or isn't the me that people expect me to be and the me that I usually feel that I am. It's like when I think about it, it feels like I'm thinking of someone elses life because I wouldn't just pick up and move to a city ten times the size as the town I grew up in and go there without an apartment to move into, without a job to walk into, without a single person that I know and with only a couple thousand dollars in my account. And I'm definatly not the one to be out to all my friends and family, to tell strangers when they ask that I'm gay without a second thought to it, to not even blush when someone sees the half naked picture of a girl on my computer screen that I hadn't even remembered was on there before he came. It all seems so not like me, yet it is me. It's cheesy, but I think there is more in me than I thought, strange. I like it though. At times it makes me proud to be me because I love my new city, I love being a lesbian, and I love that I can surprise myself. I think I'm growing up...woah.

You know, Lisa is out of my life but the effect she had on me is with me everyday. All this is about not caring what others think so much, the moving and being gay, and I used to care way too much which made me way too self conscious with way too low self esteem but since her both have been a lot better. She helped me find it in me to see myself for myself and not for other people. I always wonder why people get so bitter at the end of a relationship when they used to be so in love. I could be bitter and mad and say that I hate her, but really I'm not. I'm sad for the end, but it was too good while it lasted to turn it into something or her into something that I regret or don't understand how I liked in the first place. Just because it's done doesn't mean that the goodness of it wasn't real at the time. Why take that away from your heart and memory just because of how the present is? I can only be happy to have known her, to have known love with her, and to have learned and grown in the way that I did with her. It's all good.

But I think for now I will end this long speel. I'm glad to be back diary, I missed you. Over and out.