Why do I even bother getting my hopes up, they only end up getting smashed back to the ground to be trampled on. You wouldn't think it would be that hard to get on a computer everyday, or every other day even, to send off a quick email! Apparently I still rank too low to be a priority or computers with internet access are nearly non-existent in Australia. I am so fed up and frustrated.

I don't know if I was happier when I hadn't heard from her in a month and a half, didn't know if she was alright or if we'd ever talk again, or if I am happier now knowing she's okay but still doesn't bother to get back on a computer so we can talk and figure things out, figure us out. How messed up is that?

I'm realived to know she's still with the living and wants to get me back, but she's gotta try a whole lot harder than this before I get pissed enough to tell her to just forget about it. She's the one that said she wanted to try and rebuild what she had with me, yet I'm still the only one on the damn computer.

There has got to be some serious changes to our relationship and how it was before if she wants me back with any kind of long-term plans attached. For instance, there has to be more days that we DO talk than those that we don't. That was just getting so pathetic, talking like ten times in a month and most not even two hours long. I want a full time girlfriend, not a part time one.

I would have emailed her more than my initial one saying we can work on us, but I'm not the one that has been away and silent for so long, she has to starting making the effort and making the first move. I love her so much but my love alone can only go so far and last so long when I don't get back what I need.

I know she's had it rather rough while she's been gone but so have I. Just because I could still get on my computer everynight doesn't mean it was easy or that the rest of my day was easy. Feeling no hope of her being there, the girl I loved more than anything, made it hard to come on the computer but I still did, 'just incase.' Not hearing anything at all from her in a month and a half and having no idea why, that wasn't easy either. Nor was feeling my heart had been torn from my chest because suddenly she was gone. And then starting to tell people she was gone even though no one had asked about her in months, having them feel sorry for me believing it was her way of leaving me and then telling them she finally emailed me and now feeling like a complete fool because she still hasn't actually talked to me. Ya NOT EASY. Just because that's a different kind of hard from what she had doesn't change the validity of it.

I want to be with her still. Maybe I'm stupid or maybe I'm supposed to take her email as a sign, but I do. We can work this out and be great together, if only she would do something to let that happen, to make that happen. She has to show me that I'm important enough to her to try her best, our best, at being us again. She hasn't been gone again for that long of course, but if she could get on once to tell me she's alright then she should be able to get on again so we start working things out. Cause I have a tonne of questions that keep piling up and piling up the longer she's off, and my care to know the answers gets lower and lower and once the care is gone I won't be sticking around to find out anything.

She was the best thing to happen to me, but I was also the best thing to happen to her and right now it seems she is just letting that slip away. I deserve someone who will fight for me, who will show me how much they want me in their life. I haven't really seen that from Lisa in quite sometime. Maybe she'll start to show it soon, before it stops mattering to me whether I see it or now.

Is love always this hard? It sure seems to be with us and I don't think I can say it is all because of our distance.