Well, the relief I felt in the last entry over a month ago is now totally gone. And I suppose I am single. That email was the last time I heard from Lisa and anything I try has failed. I don't know what happened to her, where she is or if she's even anywhere anymore. Saying she would be back in a few days never happened, her phone is still not connected and my emails and IM's remain unanswered. So where do I go from here?

Nearly two months and I am just now, well was before to I guess, accepting that I will probably never know what happened or if she's okay. Now that it's over and I had no choice in the matter, in a way it's ok because for a while we hadn't been the best, though we were still good, and I can sort of see all the things I was wanting from her but never getting. Though I feel really guilty saying that because she was great and I know loved me and I loved her. Very much. And I feel even more guilty for thinking of finding a new girlfriend because I always told her she would be the only one for me, I was wrapped up tightly in our love at the time, but I still feel bad, like somehow my feeling this now makes me saying that to her then totally a lie which it wasnt when I said it. I am so confussed about what I am feeling about her still and about where my life goes from here on out. I wrote her a letter last night, which I will mail out tomorrow that being my last way of trying to get a hold of her and find things out. This is what it says...

Dear Lisa,

Will this letter find you happy and well, I wonder. These past two months have gone by insanely fast and I guess it's about time I try my last way of getting to you. I can't believe it's been so long already since we last talked and long also from when you last emailed. My hope of us still being together was renewed by that email, but has long since been shattered again by your continued and unexplained absense from my life. I suppose the probability of there ever being a future for us now is next to nothing. The hardest part of that is not knowing why. It sounded like we were doing okay and you still wanted to be with me, is this a choice I never saw coming? Or worse, has something happened to you to make our continued correspondence impossible? I hope, if you get this, you will do me the courtesy of letting me know, even if it is just to have you say goodbye to me. You know all I've wanted is for you to be happy in whatever way makes you happiest, you deserve that.

If we never talk again, but you read this, I wanted to thank you for helping me in so many ways, those that you know and those that you don't. You've been a great friend and always knew which side of our relationship I needed at any given moment, sometimes my lover, sometimes my bestfriend and often both together. I've looked to you for strength when I felt I didn't have any and you gave it freely along with your support and understanding. None of what you did for me ever went unnoticed or unappreciated in my heart.

I had hoped for a long life with you, where we would marry and grow old together, but I am very happy to have gotten the time with you that I did. You always left me with a goofy smile on my face, laughter on my breath and the desire to talk to you again immediately. Why would I need sleep when I had you to keep me awake? Even through the roughest times, my heart was happiest knowing I had you.

In my heart you will always be more to me than my first love, you embraced my soul with your tenderness and that feeling won't soon be erased. No one will know the close bond I had with you or how serious my love for you has been. They will know you were in my life, but I feel telling them how I really felt about you would belittle the truth of it. For it has been too deep in my heart and sacred to put into words for others. I want to keep all the memories of you within myself because they were so limited by our distance. I wish we had been able to be together in person and I would know what it's like to be in your arms and to see that light in your eyes. Going a lifetime now without knowing will be my biggest regret. Whatever it is that has taken you from me, I am so sorry I couldn't be there to stop it.

I cry often for you and the emptiness I feel without you. With you I was in a dream, now I am in a nightmare. I miss you so much everyday and I miss having someone to really talk to and open up to when I need that. My love for you will always be there and you will always have a place in my heart. It was you who first made me feel.

I hope, if not now then someday down the road you will find me again and we can be atleast friends. I'll always be there for you. To make that easier I will try to keep my yahoo going and my email account, so you know where to find me in the future. Please get in touch with me, I just really want to know if you're okay. Here's all the ways you can do that...

I really hope to hear from you. Take care of yourself Lisa.

Love always, Kim

P.S. It was a pleasure knowing you

****

So that was the letter. Who knows maybe it will result in a responce. I still do love her, but I'm not sure I'm in love with her anymore. If she came back I know it would be easy to fall for her again but the truth is I don't know if I would want to get back into a relationship like that with her, mainly just because the distance would still be there. Most days I feel really lost in what I want or need. I guess the most important thing that I want is for her to be alright and to know what's happened. It's just really hard loosing someone so suddenly and unexpectedly and not know WHY.

I think I will miss her for a very long time.