Well I guess I've pretty much fucked everything up with Lisa, and probably ruined any future we had. I get upset, spill my heart to her about what I'm feeling about her being off so much, and then make her think I think she isn't good enough for me, causing her to not come on tonight and who knows when she will now or if she will now. I knew I shouldn't have said anything, just put up with it and waited for her to find time on her own. But NOOOOO I have to tell her I feel like I don't have a girlfriend anymore, and I have to ask her if she really still wants me, and I have to ask her if she's seeing someone else(which I pretty much knew she wasnt) and I had to go push her even farther away from me. Yah, I suck and I hate myself. I don't want to live without her, there's no point. Goddamit, what if when she does decide to come on she tells me straight out that it's over. What do I do?

Ok enough for now, I really can't start crying again.