My life is pathetic. I feel like I only have a girlfriend at her convenience, which lately doesn't seem very often anymore. If it's not the computer taking her away, then it's working on a cell phone, or being too tired, or going out of town to do a job, or eating, or shopping, or the car needing work or whatever else the excuses are. I'm sure she isn't making it up when she has to do something, from all the time I've talked to her I've never seen that kind of a person in her, but for once I would like to be the one taking her away from everything. The one that she will stop what she's doing to talk to, instead of stopping talking to me to do something else. I feel like I'm about number ten on her list of things to do and many days she doesn't make it to number ten.

I love her to pieces and when we do get to talk it's great and she's great and all apologetic about not being on, but I don't want apologies I want her. I've only ever wanted her. She tells me she loves me and I believe her, but I need her to show it to instead of always just telling me. And the more days in a row or in a week or in a month that she doesn't come to talk, the less I feel her love and the more I wonder what I should do. Talking about it is a waste of time, cause in the moment she understands and says she will definately work on it and then nothing changes.

I really don't know what to do. I can't see my life without her in it, but she's already more out of it than she is in it, so what would really change other than knowing whether she comes on or not she is still my gurl. I don't want to lose her, she is everything to me. November 22 will mark two years for us knowing each other, which is also the time I mark for us being in love because it was so instantaneous.

She's the only girlfriend I've had, the only person I've loved, she was there for me through everystep of my coming out, she is so supportive and encouraging of my writing, she inspires me, she's let me into her heart where she never thought she would be able to let anyone, she's the only one who will talk about my dad instead of leaving him and his death as some taboo topic, she's the best friend I've ever had, she's the only one I feel I can really talk to, she's put the sun back into my day...

If I gave up my love with her I would be giving up so much more than a gurlfriend, I would be giving up my heart and soul to. I cry just thinking about it, toss in my sleep worried it will never change, stumble through the day feeling empty because she is so far away, and I still have her in my life. What would I do if I didn't have her even just a little bit?

How many times can I put up with being ditched for something else before I let my thoughts of saying goodbye last longer than my tears?

I deserve someone who loves me and she loves me, and I deserve someone who has time for me and I've yet to really figure out if she does or not.

If I had the money for us to be together it would be so much better. I hate being broke it's a pain in the damn ass.

I'm outta here. Nite friends.

PS. I think I'm taking lessons in the drama department from amazongirl;) lol