I am so frustrated with my life and people these days. I'm just sick of it, of everything. Of pretending to be happy; pretending to care about the conversation around me; pretending to be listening to the conversation; pretending to want to be around those people I am around; pretending I wouldn't rather be alone; pretending to want to stay longer; pretending I want to go; pretending I agree; pretending I'm not annoyed; pretending I'm not depressed; pretending I haven't heard the story a dozen times already; pretending I want to hear the story again; pretending I couldn't think of a handful of other things I would much rather be doing; pretending laughter; pretending to sleep, if only for a few minutes of peace; pretending everything, anything, and the truth all but hidden.

I'm a social failure. I very nearly hate being around people now. They talk way, WAY too much for my liking now and if I ever said to them what goes through my head while they talk, everyone would turn their backs on me. And believe me I have seriously considered it, just so I could have silence and be alone. For eleven hours today there's been non-stop noise coming at me, at work it was music, customers, printers, after work it was talking, talking, talking. Now it's still too loud for me with my typing, the buzz of the computer, and the printer in the other room, but it's better at least. What's wrong with me? Though I guess I know the answer. This is the last place that I want to be, and these aren't the people that I want to be around. The good part of my life isn't the main part of my life like I want it to be, like it can't be until it's closer and that frustrates the hell out of me. And depresses me to no end. I don't hate the people around me, of course, I just hate being around them. Sense? It's me that is the problem, not them.

I just very much want to get away from here. Away from everything that I know and have known all my life and be where I would be so much happier without all the pretending, and with the one person that I never get tired of being around and always want to listen to and am always interested in what next she has to say. It's so, so frustrating. I feel like two people. One empty and one full. And because of life, the empty one is who I am 90% of the time. And life sucks.

Everynight that I'm able, I wish on a star for my one dream to come true. The one that means everything in the world to me and that I can't live without. The last time I wished on a star for something that important to me, it came true. I'm hoping for a second miracle. Very Soon.

Though I know very soon, will take a long time still to get here.

I wish there was some kind of shot or drug I could take to put me out until the right time is here(this wish isn't the star wish.) I feel so much like I don't belong here, I don't fit in with those around me, and don't want to spend another day so out of place.