I had a job interview today, along with probably 2-300 others by the end of the day:( It was an open call for a new store coming into town. It sucked. I highly doubt I got a job, while at the same time one of my friends may become the head cashier. I feel so lame. According to the guy doing my interview my THREE YEARS WORKING AT A MUSIC RETAIL STORE wasn't real retail experience, but he "won't hold that against me"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what the feck he thinks the music store is, if not retail. There is still a slight chance I could get called tomorrow, but I won't hold my breath. There's a problem though, if my friend gets on as head cashier I don't want to be working under her. She's nice and all, but I don't want to be below her. We were equal at the music store, we worked together there fine, but I don't know what it would be like with her sort of as my supervisor or something. Is that dumb?

I know my head is messed up. I feel like a major failure for pretty well everything, I don't want this job but I NEED this job, but I've been to college, finished my two year program, have my certificate, and she dropped out after four months of her program, it doesn't seem fair. I know that is really small of me to think that way, and about my friend, but this is my diary so I can say what I want. I need to find a job where I can use my schooling, but damned if I know where I can do that. Sure websites are popular and there should be lots of work out there with them, but in this shyt town, there isn't much. If I don't get this dumb cashier job(and I hold nothing against cashiers for those of you that are and take that in a defenisive way, I think it is a fine job) I am going to feel really pathetic, more so if my friend gets on. I already feel pathetic for not having a job, for pretty well blowing the interview today, for not doing anything with my certificate, for living back home, for having a gurlfriend in Australia that I can't get to(just the can't get to part, not the having part), for needing my mom to cover my loan payments until I can myself...I'm sure I could go on and on.

In short, I suck.

Which brings me to, why does Lisa still love me? She knows the way I am, she knows I have insecurity and other problems, she knows everything in my head, but she still loves me with all her heart. She knows I love her so much to and that I would do anything for her, is that enough for her though to be fine with the rest? I know my heart would die if I lost her, I don't want to know a day without her in it, but she could do so much better than me. Baby, why do you love me? I'm no good. I love you though and always will and someday I will make something of myself. Today is just not the day and tomorrow isn't looking so good either.

My sister's wedding is in a week and a half. Time is going so fast. I'm happy for her, I know her and her man will be good together. I wish Lisa could be here for the wedding, I would like it so much more. Have a way better time if I could have my gurl with me and introduce her to everyone, dance a bit if she wanted, and just have a good time together. I want to be with my gurl so much, she always makes me feel so much better.

I think it's time for a nap, had to be up too early and it turned out to be a waste I think.