Am I ever going to be happy, complete, where I'm supposed to be? I look at Lisa's picture and think how adorable she is and how much I love her, but every time, I think also of how far away she is and when will I ever be able to hold her in my arms?

I need her more than the air in my lungs. I need her so much right now, to be in the arms of someone that really loves me, that really cares for me. She's the only one who has ever made me feel good enough as I am, like I'm worth something in this thing we call life.

No one else has ever tried to even make me feel half good about my life or myself. No one else has ever showed that they actually love me. My mother, if she loves me, it's because I'm her daughter and not because of who I really am, especially since coming out. In her eyes I'm just a lazy ass kid too old to be living back home, fucking up my life by being a lesbian, and foolish for loving someone I met online.

When I'm writing (my intended career) it's scribbling to her; when I'm quiet she takes it as a personal brush off, when it's really because I have nothing to say or I don't feel comfortable talking about what I want to talk about because I've never had reason to feel comfortable opening up to her.

She's never bothered to find out how I feel about being back home(depressed and feeling like a failure for not making it on my own); why I haven't tried to get a job since being back(because I'm scared of failing here to, or never being good enough for anything I try for, and college was a joke if all I do is live at home working at a job that has nothing to do with my classes); how I feel about my gurlfriend(I love her more than life itself, grateful and so happy to have someone that loves me, and like I'm dreaming); how I feel about Lisa being far away(depressed everyday about not being close to her, want to cry all the time, like I'm never going to be with her because I fail at too many things); or why I won't be comfortable in a dress at my sister's wedding(self conscious because I feel ugly, low self esteem partly because of things she has said to me, nervous because no one has seen me in a dress for a very long time or never, and any comments I might get, good or bad, will make me more self conscious thinking if they think I look good in a dress then they don't think I do usually). She doesn't ask me anything, just tells me things and expects me to make conversation and gets mad at me when I can't.

I haven't had a bad life when I look at how other's lives have been. Growing up I never starved, I've never been hit other than in spankings, I had clothes for school and a yard to play in with the freedom to play with the neighbors. And whether I've been directly aware of love, I have had a family that for the most part has looked out for me and my well being. It hasn't been all that bad I guess.

My dad died when I was two, I've been called a boy more times that I'll admit, seen my mom hit my sister, had my brother steal from me for drugs, had my grandpa touch me inappropriatly, had my mom tell me it's like I've died because I'm gay, and have my self esteem knocked so low that when my gurlfriend gives me a compliment or postive comment about my appearance all I can do is wonder why, instead of really believe it.

But in the whole scheme of the world, my life has been okay. However, I hate it and want free of it, except where my Lisa is. If I could completely start over I would and take only Lisa from this life to my new one. I love her so much. Right now I have a picture of her wearing sunglasses and sticking her tongue out, on my desktop and every time I come in my room and see that picture I smile. No matter how I'm feeling right now, I smile at seeing her being so absolutely adorable.

She just makes my heart sigh.

Being with her is like taking a breath of fresh air compared with the thick, stale air wafting around in the rest of my life. She hasn't been online though in four days, this being the fifth, computer problems I think, and I feel like I've been suffocating since we last talked. I don't know how much longer I can go without another breath.

I really need her right now.

I love you so much Lisa.