This is a rather detested week for me. Four days from now I will be moved home. I will be out of the city which I've lived in for three years except one summer, and back to the town and house I grew up in. I'm sure there are good sides to it and it'll turn out all right, but that's not the frame of mind I've been in nor am I in now. I loose my independence(whatever I had anyways), my freedom, the very shaky start to a life which I now feel I am backtracking in. I shouldn't be moving home, I should be moving further away from home. I know sometimes things don't work the way we want, and it takes a step back before we can get two steps ahead, but why can't there be simplicity in life?

Fall in love with a gurl thousands of miles away and go through the distance everyday, the not knowing what her arms feel like, what her hair smells like, what her kisses taste like, never seeing the light in her eyes when she laughs, the sway of her hips when she walks, or the sun in her golden hair; no that is anything but simple.

Pack up and move home because in the past year since graduating from college you see there is nothing much you can do right now with your diploma, one job you got is not nearly enough to pay even half the bills, the other job you have for a week you have to quit because of some mess up in your head about big places which you never knew was there before, and you are very unsure about doing any better with jobs where you're headed; nope I wouldn't call that simple either.

And because you're female you have a destested week once a month because that's the way we're made and I fail to see the humour between what we got and what guys got, an ugly dangly thing between their legs, a changing voice, and a wet dream, so what, they're just gonna masterbate and shoot their wad in bed anyways, but us we get the monthly visits to remind us of our womanhood, but I can do without a reminder, I remember my gender well enough thank you very much. I wouldn't call being a woman simple either, not that I would want the alternative, um no, I'm rather happy without mr. one eye, on myself or my lover. But I would be happy without feeling like shit and hurting each month if I'm not quick enough with tylenol, which of course this time I wasn't. If I was writing this an hour or two ago it would have started with "I want to die, or at least chop myself off from midchest down." That's what was going through my head, lol. I know I don't even get the worst of it and to those that do, I'm so sorry for you cause I can't even handle my own. The feeling that someone is inside me stabbing through my lower back over and over again, that my thighs are being twisted as if a wet cloth to be wrung out, my abdomen questioning my every move, walking on shaking legs, but trying not to move once an even slightly comfortable spot has been found. Hmm the fetal position is quite handy, though sitting up and with arms around your stomach (more because you're freezing than anything else), your knees pulled up as close as possible and your forehead on them with your eyes shut. It works though, sitting there long enough, sending your brain as far away as possible until the pills kick in before you even consider attempting to move to do something about turning into an icle.

Where is the simplicity?

So this week I don't like. My apartment is all boxes and all mess. My days are numbered, and my time with Lisa as it is now, even less. I have to cancel my internet in two days. I only have one more full day of internet access but for half of it my mom and sister will be here, so I may miss sometime with Lisa if she comes on while we're out. I'll have access at home, but different than I have here which until I get it changed will limit our time together. That's the worst part of moving. As soon as I can I want to switch from the dial up there to cable but I also want to find a full time job right away and move back into a place of my own. So I don't know if I should wait to do the cable until I know about the job situation so I dont have it installed and then a week or two later need to get it all switched to somewhere else and reinstalled, or what I should do. I'm really not good with decisions sometimes. The one and only good thing about having no internet after midfriday is that it will give me friday night and saturday to do all my cleaning, since I'll have absolutley nothing else to do. No tv, no internet, no Lisa, music only on my computer, and no books to read. Cleaning yippie:(

I'm also running out of time to get things done. I think I've gotten better on track now, but part of one thing may just have to wait cause my thought process for what I'm doing with it, just isn't working, but I still have to get done the rest of what that thing is part of. So you might ask, if I'm behind why am I on here writing this, and that is because I'm good at procrastinating so when you're good at something you do it more often when you think you're not good, or even failing at something else. And because I wanted to write something and right now any kind of writing for me is good in my books so here I am.

But I guess you're right and I should probably go do something productive now. Thanks for entertaining me for a while.

I love you more Lisa.

PS. If you're looking for a good book to read and you like reading about lesbians, as I do, and the idea of a world populated by just women all but one that are lesbians, give Katherine V. Forrest's "Daughters or a Coral Dawn" a try. I loved it. I want to live there.