I'm kind of pissed off today. I got called a boy for about the billionth time in my life. Sure I have short hair, wear loose shirts and don't have the biggest tits in the world, but come on do people only look at my chest and my hair to determine my gender? That's such a load of crap! I'm twenty-one and still I'm being called a boy, some butch dykes take it as a compliment and that's great if they like it, but I DON't. For one, I'm not butch, I'm just me; two I may not be really busty but I am bigger than your run of the mill boy; and three I may not be pretty, beautiful or gorgeous but I don't think I'm masculine looking either. What is wrong with me that I've been called a boy outloud probably more times than I've been called a girl?

I know it can be an honest mistake now and then, I'm not exactly femme and I don't try to be. Make-up, dresses, styled hair, that stuff just isn't me. But cut me some slack, if you look at someone's face 99% of the time can't you tell? There are feminine men and there masculine women, but I don't think I am one. Maybe I'm wrong cause I must be really boyish or people must be really blind. Otherwise how can so many people think I'm a damn boy?

Anybody wondering why I have low self esteem and am so self conscious about my body, well there is one of the reasons. I have had teachers, strangers, and friends of my mom all call me a boy. "This young man needs some help." That was today's gem. "Is this your youngest son?" That was by my mom's friend when I was probably about twelve. "Maybe this boy can lend you a calculator." That was by a teacher in grade eight. You know what the sad part is, I heard all this so much growing up that when I was about fourteen entering a store with my mom and someone said "Hi ladies" to us I was fucking surprised and said to my mom, "She knows I'm a girl." Then my mom looked at my chest and said that, "She should, you look like a girl." How...I don't even have a word for that. But at fourteen I was surprised to be acknowledged as a girl and my mom looked at my chest to say that I look like one. Fuck me.

Maybe after all this I should be used to it and could just brush off the intended politeness which are just crude comments in my mind, but I can't. It's like some sick joke. Hey look, Kim's starting to feel good about herself, let's call her a boy and remind her there's nothing about her to feel good for...insert sinister laugh here.

I'm so sick of this. I'm not gonna change who I am and become all girly just to make it painfully(as it would be for me) obvious that I'm a girl. I shouldn't have to. But I hate being called a boy, it's like a punch in the face and my heart each time. The worst is when others are there to hear, especially if they know me. Being called a boy infront of my friends, that about triples the affect because then I have to pretend in front of them that I can take it as a joke and just brush it off. What if it happens when Lisa is with me? Chances are that it will. People will take one look at her, gorgeous as can be, then take a look at me, plain as can be, and deduce that I'm a guy. Especially if they see us holding hands. No ones gonna take a second look at me to figure if we're lesbians or not, they're just gonna see her beauty and assume, mixed with their glance at me, that I'm a boy. I'm gonna feel like such an idiot being called a boy infront of her. Humiliation will be in abundance.

Right now the pictures that Lisa has seen of me, she's liked. She says she likes the way I look. But what if when she sees me up close and personal, she sees what other people do? I know she sees me for who I am, all the inside stuff and that's really great. But I want her to stay physically attracted to me to and when she sees me outside of pictures what if she's not? What if she sees the boy? She's a lesbian, she loves gurls, she loves the look of gurls, what if...well if I don't have the look of a gurl? She'll still love and want the inside me, I don't have doubt there, but what if she doesn't love or want the outside me anymore?

I think I'm letting this get to me too much. Lisa is different, her love isn't based on looks and wouldn't change because of looks. I just want her to desire me and when I get called a boy, I just don't feel like she or anyone can.

Well anyway on a brighter note, Lisa now has a website called Closet Cravings you should check out. And I am making her a site for her company, Darkelf Communications, where she fixes, services and supplies accessories for mobile phones. But it is still under construction so I won't give a link for that yet.

Thanks for listening to my rambles. Take care dear readers.