I walked down to the park today. Sat out for a while watching the muddy brown river flowing by and thinking of all the places I had planned on taking Lisa here. I guess I've pretty well resigned myself to the thought of moving back home. Almost. But today I kept thinking of the parks I wanted to take Lisa to, one perfect for watching the sunset and two along the water. The nature trails I wanted to take her on with places perfect for sneaking kisses...not that we'll only be sneaking kisses!

Most of thoughts and fantasizes of Lisa have to do with this place, this town. I met her while I was living here. I don't live in that house anymore, but it was while I was living in this town. It's like if I leave here, then I'm leaving behind memories of her to. Walking down the streets I pretend she's walking with me. Going through the mall I pretend she's with me. Laying in my bed I pretend she's with me. Watching a movie at the theatre I pretend she's with me. In my mind, in my heart, she's gone everywhere in this town that I've gone. She's already made her mark here with me.

It was in the house I lived in for ten month, in my bedroom downstairs, with my door closed and my head in a mess, sitting at my computer trying to find someone to help me where I met Lisa.

It was the forty minute walk, two times a day, five days a week, on my way to and from college and the house where Lisa filled my mind and gave me something to look forward to coming home to. A sweet message on my computer screen.

It's the park on the hill overlooking the city where I've sat for hours fantasizing about the time Lisa will be sitting right there beside me, feeling the same breeze circle around her and the same place I've thought of taking her to watch the sunset while she lays with her head on my chest and my arms around her.

It's my apartment where over the last year we've had conversations up to fourteen hours long and where we shared so much of ourselves.

It's my apartment where I've fantasized of bringing her home to when I pick her up from the airport and we make our way back on the bus.

It's this apartment where I feel the closest to her and I can pretend she's only gone to work and will be coming through the door any minute.

I don't want to loose all that. I don't want to start all over trying to get this closeness I feel back. Going home I'm going to loose so much time with her, not past time but future time. Here my internet is on all the time and we can talk anytime of day for as long as we want when we're available. She can wake me up in the middle of the night for a 'quick' three hour conversation, she can come on when she still has bed head to talk before she gets ready for the day, she can come on whenever she wants and leave a message which I'll most likely get within minutes. But home is different. Internet is on a limit of hours per month, used on a phoneline that I can't tie up all day, nor have in use all night. If I sign in and she's not on, then I'll have to sign in again later hoping our timing matches. She can't just come back and catch me when she has sometime cause chances are I won't be on as I won't be expecting her to be on. I hate this.

Our time together is pretty well set completely on her schedule, which at times gets a bit frustrating, but it works. She gets busy with work or phone calls or whatever and so comes on at different times all the time without me really being able to guess when. But when I have my internet on all the time, it works fine. I might not be able to get a hold of her whenever I want, but she can me. Going home though, both of us are down to not being able to whenever we want.

I'll have to do something about that. See if my mom will switch to cable internet which I will more than gladly pay the fifty bucks a month to have. It'll be one of the few things I can afford to pay with the limited hours at the music store, but it's worth ten times that if it makes it even a bit easier for us to talk while I'm there.

We'll still be limited since as it is now my computer is in the living room so I can hear messages come in no matter what room I'm in and at night I can just turn up the volume so it wakes me up. But home my computer will be in my bedroom, which works great for those late night wake up calls, but not so good the rest of the day unless I stay holde up in my room, which my mom may not take too kindly to. I don't want to get in her way there as I know she's gotten to like her time alone, but staying in my room all the time she may not appreciate too much.

I'm wanting to give myself a time limit for living at home. A few months tops before I move back out and get my own place. I want to be living alone again before Lisa comes and since I want her to come RIGHT NOW, I want to be there even less than a few months. I honestly haven't a clue when Lisa will be here. A month, two months, a year. I don't know. So far 'soon' has been going on for a good seven months, probably more, lol.

I wish I could do something to make it easier. Mainly get myself over there so she doesn't have to take the big step. I know she says she wants to come and she just has to 'take the plunge,' something like that, but honestly if she's thinking of it in that way, I don't want her doing it. I mean, I want her here more than anything, but I want her coming because she wants to take the next step and is ready to, and not when coming is taking a plunge. That sounds like she's jumping off a cliff to her death or something and hoping that the little balloon in her hand will stop her fall.

I know I would be nervous and scared out of my mind of going. Just the thought of jetting over on a 20 something hour long flight to meet the person I want to spend my life with, and going there to live, um yeah that's a bit intense to say the least. And maybe if I really had everything ready to go and I was the one doing it, I would feel so nervous and worried about it that I would have to do something like take the plunge to get myself going in the right direction. But, I just get this feeling that if it's really, truly what is wanted that the want of it and what is there when you get there would be bigger than the nerves of going so it would make it a little easier. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

Either way, I wish I could be the one to do it. I have so much less to leave here than she does there. Yes, I have friends and family, but for the amount that I see or talk to them, an overseas phone call would suffice. But she has her businesses that are really starting to get going. She also has some reasons why her getting out of there would be a really good idea, and no she isn't wanted by the authorities, only me, hehe. But her leaving will have more impact on her life than if I leave. I got no life!

I can't even start saving money to get there. I can't even save money for a damn visa. A passport I could probably afford, but they take like six to eight months to come in now. So even with money I wouldn't get there until probably next year. This is so frustrating. This world was not made for an unwealthy canadian and australian to fall in love while still living in our respective countries.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!