Two in one day. Seems I update the most when something is bothering me. I just can't seem to get anything right. I am very quiet around people and give very few insight into what I think and feel. Other than places like here and to Lisa, Lisa knows what I feel without me really having to say anything, but in person to family and friends, I'm pretty good at covering it all up. Part of my insercurity wondering what they will think if they knew I felt this way and so on. But last night when I got back here I decided to send my mom an email to explain a few things that I had been rather closed mouthed about when she kept asking.

One was about why I don't drive, the million dollar question I've probably heard a million times. I finally answered truthfully last night. As well as why I really want to quit the photo job. And my explanation kind of showed some of my insecurity, which she hadn't expected I guess. And now I am TOTALLY SECOND GUESSING SENDING THAT EMAIL.

She wrote me back tonight saying "...I feel very helpless. I don't know what I can do to help you gain confidence and feel more comfortable in your own skin...I had no idea you felt like that about open spaces, or bright lights or any of that other stuff...Give your notice when you pay your rent and we'll worry about the rest once you are back...I would like you to get out of your apartment for awhile everyday, too. Go for a walk or run around the track. Physical exercise is very good for your mental health. I am worried about you...You take care of yourself..." So how much of a nutcase do you think she thinks I am now?

I knew I shouldn't have said anything, just left it at her thinking I was bailing on the job. It's better than her thinking I'm psychiatric or suicidal or something. Why do I do such stupid things? This was the reason I never said anything before, what made me do it last night!!!

I've known for a long time that I could probably use some professional help to clear out a few things in my head and feel better about myself. But I don't really want other people agreeing with that, lol. And now I am really unsure about going home. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

She is right though about physical activity. Whenever something is really getting to me, I write and I go for a walk, both make me feel about a hundred times better, if only I could keep both up 24/7 I would be in perfect mental condition. I don't really know what anyone reading this thinks of me. Since I've said more in my diary, that anyone following might have some thoughts of their own about my mentalness, but I'm not quit as bad as I may sound. Since I do mostly write when something is wrong it ends up being more that than the good side of me. I am an insecure person and I let too much intimidate me, but probably about 90% of the time I feel fine inside myself in that respect. It's not like I go around only in the dark and deserted streets, or hide myself away in a corner, or black out mirrors or anything. I'm as normal as any abnormal person, lol, don't try to tell me that there are 100% normal people cause that would be the utmost abnormal you can get. I just have some issues that I need to work out, but that have been so cemented into my brain for so long that I don't know if I'm strong enough to break them up anytime soon.

But back to the point of this update, I now have another thing I don't know what to do about. Mom now knows a bit more and wants me moving home so "we" can work out the rest. And I don't know if I want to move home now, or if I want help working out the rest. The only person I've ever been comfortable talking to about this stuff is Lisa, and she's been a huge help in my life just by giving me all her love, caring about me so much, and honestly trying to help me without making me feel like I'm a lunatic or something. I don't know if I want anyone else's help, that I would trust anyone else or be comfortable, even/especially with my mom, to open up enough to say everything that is wrong with me.

I don't want people thinking I'm a nutcase. I shouldn't have said anything to my mom. You know that saying "It's better to be silent and thought a fool, then to open your mouth and prove you are a fool." Well similarily, I think it was better my mom thinking I was just running away from the job, than her now thinking there is something so wrong with my head.

I do want to run away, right into Lisa's arms the only place I'd feel safe and utterly happy. And now on top of going to work tomorrow and finding a chance to quit, I also have to go through the day knowing my mom is going to call tomorrow night to see how things went and be wondering all the time what she really thinks of me and if by what I say she's going to try figuring out when I can be admitted to the phyche ward. I'm sure I'm overreacting with that, but hell insecure me always wonders.

I ought to just stop thinking for now I believe and talk to my gurl when she comes on. I really do have a great friend and lover in her.

Thanks once again for listening. Soon I'll have only good news to write about.