Okay, you are about to find out how very indecisive I can be. I did and I didn't figure things out when I went home for two days.

Firstly, the music store where I used to work and which my sister is manager of I can go back to work there but there are very few hours that I can have. The company has knocked my sister so low on how many hours she is allowed for staffing the store that it's ridiculous. 75 hours a week to cover a store that is open 57.5 hours a week. My sister gets 40 of the 75, and the other two people split what's left. Leaving them each working one day a week from open to close alone. So my point is, the job is mine if I want it, but it would be very few hours.

Secondly, I don't actually know now how much I really want to go home. I know that was the one line in my last entry that was CAPPED, but being there for two days, which were nice, reminded me of why I hadn't wanted to move back before. We live in the boonies, only five or six miles from the nearest mall but when you don't drive that's a bit of a trek not that I mind that but it makes it harder to get to and from work, specially when your boss isn't your sister and willing to work the schedule around that a bit. And I loose my freedom that I have grown into over the past three years living here, the last year of which was alone.

I like my own space, my own place. I like that I can just lay on the floor staring at the ceiling in the dark with the music playing if I want and not be questioned. I like being able to sleep until noon if I want and stay up until five in the morning and not be asked why. I like being able to walk around in shorts that are way too loose and a sports bra. I like being able to come home and not say a single word or listen to a single word and just drift away into a fantasy. I like just having a place I can call mine. I don't want to loose that by moving back home, but quitting the photo job I don't know if I have a choice of going or staying. If I could go and afford my own place there, or even get a roommate since a roommate I can more easily get away from without question than my mom, then I would go, but I just don't know about moving back into my mom's place.

She was less than thrilled to hear that I wanted to quit the new job, I don't blame her I guess, but when I can walk into the store two days in a row fully intending to quit(no one was there to quit to) and feel a complete calm and then feel uneasy when I walk in the store to start work, I know quitting is the right thing for me to do. What else is the right thing to do, I'm not sure.

If I could find another job here, one that I would be more comfortable in and one that will actually cover my bills I would stay. I know, or I think I did, say things against the city in which I live, but most of what I feel here is made bigger by my financial situation. If I got a job and didn't have to worry so much about the money part anymore, I could be a lot happier here. I know I would be. And I know I would be happy at home with that as well. But do I have any choices left if I quit my job and don't find another within about a week and a half when rent is due again and if I'm moving my notice would be given?

Grrrr, money sucks!

So this is what I want to do...today at least, lol.

- Stay here so I keep my freedom.
- Quit the photo job which I will try again to do tomorrow, a bit awkwardly since I work there tomorrow aswell.
- Find a full time job here that I can feel comfortable with, there is one in the paper I think I would be fine with.
- For now keep my other job that I also have (inventory) as it does bring in good money sometimes for doing nothing at all, ie. sleeping, listeing to music, daydreaming...travel time.

This way I still have a place for Lisa to come to and we can go about our days without recognizing every other person on the street. I can also work more on my mentalness and feel freer to be myself than with living with my mom. I can set up myself to get back to my writing since I've lost my flow again, where as at home there are more distractions. And I can hopefully save money here if I can get a full time job and start getting stuff together for me and Lisa and pay off my debts.

I also forgot to mention that my hometown's economy is getting really bad, stores are closing left and right, so finding a second job there wouldn't be any easier than finding one here. At least here there are more choices. I really wish somedays that I could change the way my mind works, that I could be totally outgoing and confident, talkative and energetic, I would be a lot better equipt for jobs then I am now with being insecure, quiet, calm and whatever the opposite of outgoing is, ingoing?? Suits me at least. But I'm just the way I am and don't see it changing anytime soon, so I guess I'll just keep dealing with it and figure things out as I go along.

Hopefully this time tomorrow I will be photo jobless and that they won't want me working for the usual two week notice period as it would be a waste of their time since I would need to still be trained in that time and not left alone. I got my fingers crossed they'll just let me off clean and clear right away and I'll have a week and a half to scout jobs and decide what to do.

I'm still open to any suggestions or advice if anyone has it. Take care and one of these days I won't make my entries so long.