Any second I am going to explode, cause: Inner Turmoil Combustion a.k.a. I'm going fucking nuts.

Nothing here makes me happy. I want to get out of here, right now. Slowly everything that is in my head is leading me to some kind of hell-fire breakdown. Tears are already in my eyes. Why? Because one minute I think one way, the next I contradict myself, I tell myself not to be stupid, but isn't the stupid part sticking to something, which causes more confussion, just because of some half assed reason? Here's the thing.

I have of late, meaning last night, been called 'very smart' by the one and only Lisa, gurl of my heart, gurl of my dreams. I, however, feel anything but that right now and pretty much all the time. But that wasn't the thing. Though it's a little part of it. Now moving on. I moved out of my home town three years ago for college, for the last year my schooling has been done and I've been dragging my ass around here. I finally got a job, sporadic in July. It was not enough to pay my rent plus my bills so my mom ended up coming to my rescue a number of months, which I hate borrowing money from her or anyone. No one should have to cover me where I come up short. I have now gained a second job, part time and I will still probably have to have my mom bail me out now and then, though not as much. My first job is as an inventory clerk. My second job is as a photo specialist, which boils down to taking in the film to send upstairs to be developed, and doing a few enlargements perhaps. If I don't want my mom paying anything more for me, that would mean a third job so I can eat now and then as well. Good idea I thought. I live alone but eventually will be living with Lisa. My friends I rarely see or talk to and even more rarely want to see or talk to, not a very good friend am I. With summer coming they will be moving back to my hometown where they are also from. Now some of that sounds not too bad. But this is where the bad part comes in.

I hate this town. I feel extremely alone here. I never EVER seen any gays or lesbians around. You never here talk about us unless it's sarcasm or against, more often than not anyway. There are no gay places, bars, alternative theatres, and so on. Finding anything gay related is next to impossible. Finding a third job is impossible. My inventory job I don't get nearly enough hours and I am starting to get annoyed by some of the people, plus there is overnight out of town work which takes me away from Lisa and I don't like that. The work itself is fine. My photo job I'm just beginning to learn. I finished the initial training today and slowly I will learn the rest as I go along. The people are fine so far, but I am not happy there. From the very first call I got about this job to schedule the initial interview I have gone back and forth SO many times about whether I want this job or not. 95% of the time it is an adament no. No, is where I have been for the past two weeks, forgetting what I said in the last entry where I said it might be an alright job. I was trying to talk myself into feeling that. I woke up this morning absolutely ready to go there today and say sorry for wasting your time but I'm done, I almost did that twice today. Last night I managed to sleep ok, the two nights previous were probably close to the worst night's sleep I've ever gotten. I can't wake up every morning dreading the day because of a job and come home fighting back tears as I walk down the street because I don't know what to do.

My heart is already aching enough about not being with Lisa, that's all I can take right now. So I am so confussed about what I should do. These are the options I so far have set for myself.

1. Stay living here and suck it up. Stick with the jobs because at least they bring in money and do something about it later where there is more common sense involved.

2. Stay here but quit the new photo job and find something else that won't have my head so messed up, but as apparent from last night I don't know what regular type job would make me any happier.

3. Move back home into my mom's place. Get hired back on at the music store and maybe find a second job there as well, if transportation wasn't too difficult.

4. Move back home but still into a place of my own. Get hired back on at the music store and see about finding another job as well.

Now do you think I can actually make such a decision? Of course not. But here are some pros and cons and reasons for each of the above.

Pros of #1

- I have two jobs
- I can do what ever I want living alone
- This town might have a few more opportunities than home
- I live in the center of town so easy access to most places on foot
- When Lisa comes I have a place for her and a chance for us to live without running into familiar faces everywhere we go
- Common sense tells me not to be an idiot and I have to live in the real world sooner or later which means you have to do things that don't always make you happy
- The recruiting process for the photo job was so extensive and I've already gone through three days of training plus have a schedule through May 4th that it would be a big waste of my time and everyone's involved if I quit now

Cons of #1

- inventory has me out of town a lot, including overnight and in really bad weather
- I know I am not going to be happy working the photo job
- some people around here I would be happy not having much if any contact with anymore
- I've made myself into a bigger introvert than I was before, cutting myself off from everyone
- I have more bad, sad, depressed, and rollar coaster days here than I do happy
- I feel alone in my sexuality here
- I have wanted to get out of this town for a year now
- sticking with something for the sole purpose of money is really stupid in my books when it makes you so unhappy
- feeling sick to my stomach and sleep deprived isn't what I want to wake up to everymorning because of work

Pros of #2 (including those that apply from #1)

- I have work/inventory
- better chances of finding another job
- when I lived at home before I wasn't happy either

Cons of #2 (#1)

- no guarantee I will find another job and would be back to borrowing from mom
- wasting more money staying here when there is no need, I can have a place for Lisa to come to in my hometown
- I have no one here I am comfortable just hanging out with
- I miss some things from home (family, animals, friends)
- I would not want to show my face again in the place of my new job after quitting so soon

Pros of #3

- no paying rent, or at least only putting in what I can afford
- I know my work at the music store and have come to realize though I complained about it I really did like that job and I could get at least part time back if no one has been hired for summer yet
- I have my bike so I can get around in the upper part of town at least and downtown if I catch a ride home with mom (big hills to ride up otherwise)
- I could visit with my family that has welcomed me as a lesbian and proudly bring Lisa to meet them
- I would have all my babies(animals) back which I miss only second to missing Lisa, lol
- I could see my friends who I have horribly neglected
- I could straighten up my head a little bit if I didn't have this job related stuff spinning around so much
- even when I was depressed there I didn't feel like I was going to have break downs every other day

Cons of #3

- mom has her bad days where everything turns out to be my fault and the small things I get in trouble for
- I couldn't as easily do whatever I wanted and some wouldn't be without question
- I wouldn't have my own place yet for Lisa to come to, though would get one as soon as I knew she was coming
- my hometown used to make me depressed and antzy, that may be different now that I am out
- the music job may already be gone or it might be very few hours
- I may not be able to find a second job
- mom lives in the boonies which makes getting around for me with no license harder
- I'm getting close to 22 and didn't want to be living at home again
- I would feel as guilty living with mom and her paying most or all of everything as I do borrowing from her
- no cable internet to make talking to Lisa easier, simple enough to fix though paid by me
- I might not be able to talk to Lisa as much:(( worst part

Pros of #4 (#3)

- I would again have a place for Lisa to come to
- I would again be able to do whatever I wanted
- rent would be cheaper than what I'm paying now
- could even go with a roommate again, I know someone who might be interested
- I would be out of here as I have been wishing for
- I would be back home as it does have a certain appeal to it
- I could maybe get an animal as well as take my hedgehog with me to keep me company
- I could visit with family but still have my place to go back to
- I could again talk to Lisa as much as we want
- I WANT TO MOVE BACK

Cons of #4 (#3)

- I could realize when I get there it still makes me depressed and I made a huge mistake
- I wouldn't want to ditch a roommate soon after moving in when Lisa comes as I hope she can be here really soon, and living with the two of us plus a roommate might cause problems for some or all of us, I wanted it to be just me and her
- Lisa coming from a place with over 1 million people to a place with between 35-50, 000 might be too huge of a difference for her
- my hometown is just as if not more closed off to homosexuals as it is here, doesn't mean against just nothing to offer
- I may not find work enough to pay rent there either
- neither moving nor working back at the music store might change anything inside my head

That's all I can think of right now. My main reasons though that I'm so unsure what to do is because I only just started this job and how do you quit like a week after you begin after going through so much? And I don't know how it would affect me and Lisa, as in a place for her to come to and would it change anything about when? Also I can't loose the ability to talk to her whenever she comes on, we're already back to not getting enough time, if I moved it might make it worse. I know either way that we'll be fine, but what would she really think if I quit and moved? The thoughts that she wouldn't tell me: that I'm running away, that I'm never happy so why's this gonna change anything, that I'm gonna end up being out of work and dependant, that I'm being foolish and insecure, that I should just stick it out and it'll get better...I don't know, I'm so lost right now and I don't know what to do to find myself. I'm going home tomorrow after work for two nights and I'll talk to my mom and sister then, see what they think. I can already here my mom saying that I just started, I'll like it once I know what I'm doing. But that's not the point, the work itself again is fine, I can work the till and all that, but I don't like it, I don't want it.

Fuck I know I'm running away if I quit and move, I just don't know from what. What I really need to do is get onto my writing, start something with that so someday I can do only that, which I enjoy, and none of this other stuff. I know it would be stupid to quit, maybe even a big mistake, and I don't know how to go about doing it after being officially offered the job today and not saying anything. But I know it would also be stupid to go through this every single day wearing on my mental stability and emotional sanity. Maybe I'll have an answer when I come back on the weekend. Maybe I'll have an epiphany in the middle of the night. Maybe...who knows.

If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for reading all this, I know I made it really long.

Kim