I got a job today. The photo one I had been interviewed the first time for three weeks ago. Since then, I've answered 37 of 50 math and logic questions in the alotted 12 minutes, 145 multiple choice and true and false questions about myself, and had an interview with the store manager(the first was with the department manager). Now I have the job and start a day of orientation and two days of cash training next week after which I will write another test and if I pass with more than 80% I'm actually hired for a whopping 12-20 hours a week.

The whole recruitment process is a bit much for so little if you ask me. I still don't even know if I want the job. I need the job that's the bottom line. Sucks when it comes down to money over enjoyment! Plus I will still probably need to find another job, making it three, in order to pay my rent and bills.

I desperately want to get out of here. Out of this job, out of this town, out of Canada, and into my lover's arm so comforting and tender. I would give anything to be with her, here or there, I don't want to go another day without being closer to her in everyway possible.

I think I scared my mom a little today about Lisa. We were talking about her and I mentioned she might be here soon, which I have told my mom about a million and one times, adequate preparation ya know. And today it seemed to hit. Especially when she asked if she'll be here before July, my sister's wedding, and I said she might be. Whoohoo that got her.

I would love it if people actually said what they really felt/meant/thought. All along she asks about my gurl, listens when I say she has her ticket, her visa, her passport, and is coming soon, and she seems supportive and accepting, like she's accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian and I have a girlfriend who hopefully soon she will meet, and then there's today when she actually listens when I say she might be here "that soon" and it's like she's hearing it for the first time. Saying something like, that could be a bit awkward and how's that going to work and oh I guess they have to know sometime, meaning the otherside of the family since she, herself told her side a few months ago!

I thought that was the ultimate accepting point, she's outting me to my family so she must be okay with my sexuality, but now I don't know. Is she okay with the word lesbian attached to me because all it is, is a word? Is she okay with Lisa because she is just a name(to me Lisa is my world) and when the prospect of the reality of both shows itself, all of a sudden it's awkward and unsure.

I can accept that she isn't ready and she has some reservations about me being gay, what I cannot accept is making is seem as though she accepts when eventually the truth of that will show itself. I could honestly careless if people turn their back on me because of my sexuality, if I were to loose friends and family over it then obviously they weren't worth having in the first place. This is who I am and who I will always be, get used to it or get out. I am proudly gay and overjoyed to have Lisa in my life and in my heart, I love her beyond words and thoughts, and anyone or anything to try to come between us or that hurts her in anyway, is through.

No body tells me they are straight, no body thinks for hours on end of how to introduce me to their lover of the opposite sex, no body thinks twice about dancing or kissing or holding hands with their OS partner infront of me, so why do I have to?! And to be frank, other than coming out, I'm not going to. I will simply introduce Lisa to my family and friends and I will so gladly and openly show my love for her in public in front of anybody. People gain power over you if you give it to them, I read something like that in a diary today:) and I don't plan to give anyone power over us. They can stare, gawk, name call, move away, ridicule, whatever they want and I or Lisa might feel really hurt by it, but there is no way I will let small minded, prejudiced people stop me from letting her know how much I love her no matter where we are.

Lisa knowing how I feel about her is really important to me. I always want her to know how she brightens my day, how she lightens my thoughts, how she soothes my racing nerves, how much she is loved for who she is, and how amazing I think she is. I never want her thinking my love is going away because I'm scared to hold her hand in public, or ashamed to kiss her in public, or embarrassed to tell her I love her in public. No way. She will always know that none of that is true because I want to see the sweetest smile touch her lips when I take her hand as we walk down the street, see the light in her eyes just before I close mine when I kiss her mouth in the store, and watch the slow blush creep up her cheeks as I tell her I love her in front of friends and family.

Wanting all that and a long life with her, she already is my family, I don't need a piece of paper telling me that we are joined in order to feel it with all my heart. So when someone seems to accept that we are together only on a pretence of us being far apart, and then falling back a step when the thought of that distance being gone becomes apparent I don't appreciate it. For the way I feel about her, we've been together all our lives, I want everyone else to acknowledge and accept that she is a big part of me, so to accept me is to accept us both, distance or no it shouldn't matter. Love is love no matter where you are. That doesn't change with sexuality, and it doesn't change when you are out of arms reach of each other. I love you Lisa, always and forever.

But now that I have rambled on for a while, perhaps I should give you a break.