You ever notice how certain words can make you smile from ear to ear and feel this really light, soft feeling inside you? Kind of like you have a little cloud floating around in you that your heart and lungs and everything else is craddled against. Like instead of floating away into the clouds to find happiness in them, that happiness is already in you and they come to you instead. Something like that, I can't quite explain it. Of course it doesn't work this way when just anyone says these words or when they have no personal meaning to you. But when they do, I found it's one of the best feelings out there. I smile like a shy little kid, happy but a little self conscious about letting on to others about why I'm happy, so it comes out as a big smile that I'm not sure if I want to keep inside or show off to everyone, even if I'm alone. And then when someone knows that you like a word and they use it more knowing everytime that you're going to be there with that contented smile not only spilling around the corners of your mouth but also dancing in your eyes, you smile more because of their cuteness at trying to get that smile out of you. It's things like that, that I love the most. Little things. Meaningless things to anyone not involved.

These words have such an effect not soley because of the word itself, but because of everything that it says, everything connected to it. Take the word 'lover' for instance. When Lisa calls me that, I get that feeling that I rather unsuccessfully explained. My stomach rolls a little with the delicate wings of butterflies. Anyone can call me sweety or love or baby, they're words I connect with Lisa, but they aren't exclusive to someone you love. But lover, only one person, in my monogomous heart, can call you their lover at a time. Lover is the person that you personify your love as. The person that touches you, emotionally, mentally, phsyically, spiritually, in a way no one else does, in a way that is gentle against all the rough edges of life, that is tender against all the tears that streak your face, that is strong against all your weakness and weak against all your strength - a balance - and someone that isn't just this or just that in your life, but is a part of everything. You can't go around calling your friend lover, not in the same way you would to someone who has your heart and soul. So when Lisa calls me lover, I, until today, secretly melt and smile and adore her even more. I only say 'until today' because today I told her I love the word. What I really mean is I love when she acknowledges me as such in her life. To know that to her I am her lover, unbelievable as that still is to me somedays. The word itself is just the catalyst that brings the two together, her feelings and my sheer happiness at it.

There are other words that have the same sweet effect as well as some thoughts she puts to words once in a while, it's the knowing of what the words mean between us, or the thoughts suggest that is the real cause of the these feelings but it's the words that start it all. And I do love when she says them. Makes me forget anything else in my head that isn't of the white, fluffy cloud variety with butterfly wings attached and my angel sitting there with her beautiful blue eyes shining and a small smile touching the corners of her alluring mouth. I could happily get lost in her eyes forever and never look back. I'm still amazed a lot of the time to know that she loves me like I do her. Over sixteen months with her and still I think I'm going to wake up from this dream and realize I made her up. That no one like her could possibly love me, let alone want to spend their life with me. She does though and it's crazy and amazing and scary and the only thing I want with all my heart. Any time I think about anything in the future, she's there. You know that questions "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Well I see myself with her, married, maybe with a kid, definately at sometime with at least one kid, probably back in Australia, waking up early every morning just so I can watch her sleeping beside me for a while before she wakes up, or so I can wake her with a kiss, or bring her breakfast in bed, and then watching as she gets dressed in her jeans that show off her nice ass and a t-shirt that is a bit loose because it's comfortable but does nothing to take away from her exquisite form, the looseness only working to make her that much more sexy because she knows she doesn't have to flaunt her body to get me, or anyone else for that matter, craving to be close to her and thanking what ever God or what ever it was that brought her into my life and opened her sweet heart to me.

I'm not seeing the future through rose coloured glasses though, I'm sure we will have our arguements, fights, disagreements, raised voices at times, and hurt feelings to, frustration, annoyance, confussion, maybe even some times that become too routine, but I'm not worried about any of that and while we're going through those I don't think I will be too much either. Part of spending all this time with distance between us has showed us what it's like not to have the other there, how we would feel if we were completely without the other, and that we can talk about what's wrong and find a way to work it out, and of course trust. I can't speak for her, but I think the distance no matter how hard it's been on us and continues to be, it's also been one of the things that has really brought us together. It's opened up a world of words between us, sometimes random, sometimes repetitive, sometimes meaningful, sometimes funny, sometimes touching, sometimes sharp, sometimes fluffy clouds and always just ours. Everyday words, everyday questions, everyday answers, but ours none the less.

I love her so much. It's insane to be able to feel so much for one person, to feel so powerfully and so completely. I feel like I have a pressure chamber in my heart, each day that we're apart a little bit more pressure is added in my chest, it starts getting pretty tight until it's too much and I start crying or have a more involved breakdown to relieve some of the pressure so I can take on a bit more until it builds up too much again and the circle continues. None of my friends, and I mean absolutely none that I have right now, some going back nine years, have ever seen me cry. Lisa on the other hand, has been witness to it many times, she might not have seen it but she's been there when I have and known most of the times when I have. For a number of years before meeting her I was rather unemotional, actually quite unemotional. Then I met her and she brought everything to the surface, I mean that in a good way. I may not show anything different around anyone else, but I know I show the real me to Lisa, and I've seen in myself the change between who I was and who I am, even if I don't yet show that to others. Someday I'll try to write down how I'm different and what Lisa had to do with it. I hope I can be everything for her that she wants when we're in person and I stay the me she knows and not switch over to the me everyone else knows. I don't think that'll happen though.

However, right now I think it must be bed time. Take care dear reader...