How important is sex in a relationship? Is sex the defining point of who and what we are?

Before today I had it in my mind that sex was not important nor required in a loving relationship. Obviously we like sex as it makes us feel good and brings us closer together. To feel this ultimate pleasure with someone and to be the cause of that pleasure for our partners is a very desirable thing, it's not bad by any means, but I don't think sex is needed to have a real relationship with someone. And I very much doubt in my own mind that it is of the most "major importance" either, as someone was trying to tell me today.

Love and sex are complete opposites, you can have one or the other and you can have both, but one isn't needed to have the other. Am I wrong? I was told today that I'm NOT a lesbian because I haven't had sex with a girl. This came from a girl that has been sleeping with girls since she was fourteen and never had to come out because she just was. According to her, I can be interested in girls, or curious I suppose it would mean to, and I could be a lesbian after sex, but as it is right now, I'm not gay because I haven't gotten down between a girl's legs and I should take control of my "weak emotions". Lisa, also according to this girl, is just my very close friend. Well if that's true, I can't wait till I'm in love, cause if this is just friendship then I think my heart will literally burst when I find love!!

Before I knew for sure about my sexuality I thought briefly that I would have to sleep with a girl to know, maybe fantasizing would be more of a turn on than actually being with a girl and I would discover that I just had to wait till I found a guy that turned me on. That way of thinking didn't last very long. When all I thought about was girls, when the only people I had crushes on were girls, when it was girls that made me nervous and my stomach flutter, when it was girls I was looking at in the porno's my friends rented, when it was girls that I could see myself with, when it was girls that caught my eye on the street, when it was girls that I dreamt about, when it was girls I wanted to be close to, when it was girls that I wanted to sleep with, I realized I already knew my sexuality. And when I met Lisa I found I knew love to.

Had I had sex it might have made me more sure sooner, but it wouldn't have made me a lesbian when until then I wasn't. If that would be how it worked then the world could be rid of homosexuals and bisexuals just by people not sleeping with the same sex, if that is thought to be what makes people one or the other. Would that then also mean, that until heterosexuals sleep with someone of the opposite sex that they really aren't straight either? Maybe we are all just standing in limbo, all able to fall onto either side of the line depending who we get down and dirty with first. But that doesn't work, what happens to bisexuals, do they have a threesome for their first time and so become inclided to liking both sexes? What about late discoverers who are married with children and years later come out as lesbian or gay? Sorry but I think sex plays a rather small role in relationships and no part in making our sexuality.

To me love is about being with someone you can connect to, in a way like a very close friend, the girl was right there, Lisa is a very close friend, but it doesn't stop there. It is about seeing the faults in each other and thinking them perfect with them or inspite of them, as some might argue. It's about being comfortable enough with each other to make a fool of yourself and already know the time when they made an even bigger fool of themselves. Love is about being able to show your weaknesses and fears, to open up about your desires and to talk about what scares you the most. Love is about being able to touch each other from across the room with just a look or a smile, to see in their movements what they are thinking and to know without asking if something is wrong. Love is about being as close to someone as you can get and to feel in your heart and know in your mind that without a single touch they are closer to you than someone standing beside you. It can hurt beyond belief and it can feel better than anything else, it can make you cry and make you smile, it can make you mad and make you happy, it can have you throwing a tantrum and singing a song, and it can be ugly and beautiful, but it is not sex and it is not made by sex. And I am a lesbian not because I want to sleep with Lisa but because I want to spend my life loving her.

Maybe some people would call us just friends right now, maybe some people think sex or at least some kind of touch is needed to show sexual interest, but I think a lot of those people would not have been in love before or never took the time to see that love isn't about sex.

That is one thing I think people who are against homosexuality never really think about. They (sorry to generalize) see us as people that go around fucking someone of the same sex but forget that love is involved. How often do we, straight, gay, bi, trans, actually have a say over who we fall in love with? Maybe growing up there are fantasizes of marrying a rich, handsome, man that will sweep you away to his mansion...I actually don't think I had any fantasies like this or even close to it...and you might spend your time looking for this guy, feeling an attraction when you see someone that might fit your fantasy but all of a sudden you find that you can't stop thinking about that short, freckily guy with glasses that sits with you in bio and a few years later you're walking down the aisle to join with his bohemian family that rents but does not own a house. Love takes control and we either let it guide us or we struggle against it and for the most part remain unhappy.

Gay people aren't gay because they chose to sleep with the same sex, or even because they slept with someone or not, we aren't gay because we want to rebel or be a part of a minority, we aren't gay because we spent more time with our moms than our dads growing up, we're gay because with the same sex is where our love is, and when we discover our sexuality that is when we stop struggling against it, consciously or subconsiously. In the beginning it isn't the easiest thing to stop stuggling against because we've all heard stories of homophobia and hate crimes, we all fear what our friends and family will think and do, and briefly we may even think that maybe there is something wrong with us, but I believe, ultimately, we quickly grow to be happy about our sexuality and proud of who we are because we can finally say we are being ourselves and once out of the closet everything is pretty much the same as it would be had we never been in the closet in the first place.

Love is love, that should be all there is to it. I give myself a lesbian label so people know what to expect when I bring Lisa home, but it's just a word for catagorization and one I wish we could do without. Someday it would be really nice if we could just be who we are without coming out or having words to describe us like gay, straight, black, white, fat, skinny, we should just be us and have everyone else happy with us just being ourselves.

So fly with the wings you were given and be proud.