Mom came up for the day. I think she thinks I'm back to being a bit suicidal. I never really was before, I've thought about it sure enough and thought of ways in which I might do it, but I never got to the point of actually going beyond thoughts and I'm not now either. I know now there is a lot to loose if I did that. When I'm gone, I'm gone and after that moment don't know or remember what I lost, but right now I do know and know that I don't want to loose that no matter how I feel and I could never do it knowing the pain I would cause since it isn't just about me.

I'm depressed. I know I am and have often wondered if I should talk to someone about it. I know I scare myself somedays with how I feel or what I think or what I do. I know being tired all the time isn't normal. I know having no appetite for quite a while isn't a good thing and losing ten pounds when I'm already small isn't either. But I do eat, at least enough to satisfy my hunger for the time being even if after the first few bites I want to throw it away. I do take relative care of myself and I do have good days.

If I look at my life I can say that it's pretty good. I'm a lesbian and happily so. I have a great gurlfriend that I love very much and for some insane reason loves me back. Most of the people I know, know that I am gay and are very accepting of it and a few have even said they are proud of me for being open about it. I have a family that cares about me and worries about me. I have good friends though most I see very rarely. But it's in my head and heart, not my whole life where I am most fucked up.

I'm a loner, I'm quiet, and I would more gladly be alone and bored out of my mind than spend a few hours let alone all day with anyone, with the exception of Lisa. I know with her I can just sit quietly by and think or read or write or cuddle or anything without feeling the obligation to put on some false smile and laugh when something should be funny or try to think of something to say to show I am at least half listening. She knows the kind of person I am and knows I have my days where I just don't want to talk or be talked to, she can get through that and get me talking about what's going on and help me feel better but if she can't I won't feel like I have to pretend to be happy to avoid her getting upset by my silence.

Twice today I had to pretend to be happy. Though after mom found out I have no appetite and asked if I'm depressed again, then I didn't have to pretend so much. But after she left, a guy from work came over and there I went again, fake smile, fake laugh, all the time wishing there was a way to kindly ask him to go home because I really don't want to be around anyone right now. Funny thing is, yesterday when I was at lunch with him and he was talking about his anxiety attacks and how he covers up his bad days and being surprised that his roommate who also has anxiety attacks doesn't notice when his mood is off, he didn't seem to notice how off my mood was either. Or if he did he didn't show it. It seems it's been months and months that I haven't wanted to be around anybody and when I am all I can think is I want to go home. I don't want to hear all these people talking, sounding just like deafening noises to me. I don't want to see people being happy or having fun or showing affection. I even wanted to cry out of frustration and anger at the end of a comedy that I watched yesterday because they were happy and together.

Something I read on here today was inspiring and by the end I was close to crying. One question though. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" but what if it kills only a part of us, or maybe puts part of us into a downward spiral that ends in a semi-coma so we can still hear what's happening around us but can't react to it or show how it really affects us? That's me, stumbling from day to day in a semi-coma feeling all these outside simuli but unable to do anything with them or even wanting to do anything with them and being bombared and feeling the impact but unable to shield myself.

It's not her fault I feel the way I do. If anything she's the one keeping me sane. It might be because we are apart for so long that I'm down. It might be because she's been staying offline more than usual that I'm confussed and hurt. It might be that when we don't talk I miss her like crazy and get sad thinking about where she is and where she isn't. But it is definately because of her that I do have my good days and that I'm not suicidal and that I do laugh and haven't completely shut myself off from everyone around me. Before I met her I was depressed in a different way and didn't feel there was anything worth smiling for so my good days were very limited and my bad days didn't have anything to make them a little better. But now even when I see the dark cloud over my head I still feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I just wish the cloud would go away so I could see the sun to.