I close my eyes and I see this picture. It's the picture I've seen from the beginning. Sometimes I wake up not wanting to open my eyes, not wanting that picture to go away, not wanting what I see to just be in my head. Sometimes I think if I squeeze my eyes tight enough, if I think hard enough, if I want it deep enough, the picture will be real when I open my eyes. Sometimes I have a brief moment when I want it so much that I start to think the picture is real and I can open my eyes without fear of it fading into the sunlight coming through my window. It's never real. It always goes away. It hurts like nothing I've felt before.

I should know by now it's not real and over night it can't just magically become real. I can't just go to bed one night seeing this picture and wake up to it not just being in my head anymore. There are times I just don't want to wake up, I just want to sleep and keep sleeping so I can leave the picture to my dreams and forget for a time the sadness of it and the ache I feel everyday wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with. It just won't let me be and on days like today it's all I can see.

I feel like crying all the time. I feel hopeless, like it will never be real and I will go on trying to keep my eyes closed just one minute longer thinking this will be the time it will be real when I open my eyes. All I want is this, nothing else matters as much and nothing matters at all without it.

I know there are worse things in the world. I know there are people hurting more than me and for better reason. The world could be on the brink of another war, people could die, countries could be destroyed, life as we know it could all change, but none of that changes how I feel. All of it just makes me feel it more. What if there is a war and people are killed and there is more suffering and no one is safe? I want the picture to be real more than ever if that is going to happen, to know that if all that happens I still have that part in my life that for no matter how long it lasts it's there and not just in my head anymore. I want it. I need it. And I just don't have it.

I'm talking about Lisa, if you hadn't guessed. Do you know how hard it is to go almost fifteen months loving someone more than life itself and not being able to touch them in anyway, not being able to hug them when you know they're sad, or kiss them when they do something really sweet, or see them smile when they're happy, or wipe away their tears when they cry, or cuddle with them when you're cold, or be held by them when you're hurting...

I want to hold her hand, but all I have is a photo of her. I want to hear her voice, but all I have is a phone number. I want to lay down beside her and wake up beside her, but all I have are dreams and a picture when I shut my eyes. When I see a sunset colouring the sky I want to call to her to come and see its beauty, but she's only just waking to a new day. I want to greet her with a kiss when she walks in the door and hear about her day, but she's on the otherside of the world when she comes home. I want to watch a movie with her laying with her head in my lap as I run my fingers through her golden hair, but that's just another picture in my head. I want a life with her, to know everyday I will see her, everyday I will talk to her, everyday I will touch her, everyday we will cry or laugh or dance or sing or yell or celebrate together, but all I have are a few hours a day at a computer screen, if we're lucky sometimes more, but sometimes less or none at all.

I don't want to loose her and I know I would hurt a lot more if I did. I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling this and remain with some semblance of sanity. If I lost her my heart wouldn't pound as surely or strongly as it does now in the gentle clasp of her hands. My soul wouldn't fit so completely within the limits of my being. Always would it be testing my bounds, pushing my threshold, looking for that part of her that joined with it to fit comfortably inside me.

"Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes and I see you when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
And if you ask me how I'm doing
I'd say just fine
But the truth is Baby
If you could read my mind
Not a day goes by I don't think of you."