Chirstmas Eve and I don't give a damn. I think I would like to be friends with the Grinch this year and just not have Christmas, or Scrooge, or whoever else is against this holiday. I'm not feeling too cheery right now. And my mood was made so much 'better' because apparently when it comes to living (i)my(/i) life and letting others know who (i)I(/i) am, I'm not the one that gets to decide on that. Hell no! I might be the one living this life, I might be the one who has to go around telling everyone I'm in love with a gurl, I might be the one who has to wonder who will still be there for me in the end, but I am not the one that gets to say a word just because I'm ready to, nono, that tiny detail is for my mother to decide. If she's not ready then who the phuck cares if I am and that I'm the one that goes home at the end of the day beating myself up and hating myself for still not being fully out. But nope, if she's not ready then I can forget about feeling good about myself, or for people to really know me, or for my gurlfriend to actually be in existance to people around me.

A friend said that at least my mother is trying, true she is, and I'm happy for that, but while she's still trying to accept it for herself I still have all these people that are none the wiser and everytime that I'm around them I feel like the biggest liar and that my heart is in pieces because the one and only person I have ever loved they don't even know about. I can't even say her name because if someone asks who she is I don't want to say she is just a friend, I may be lying to them through silence but I will not lie about who Lisa is to me, no way, no how. I am so sick of this.

If I die tomorrow only a handful of people will know the truth about me and where my heart is. If I die tomorrow do you think anyone else will ever know I'm gay? or that Lisa will ever be talked about again among the people that do know about her? No, my sexuality will be known by some and assumed by others and Lisa will fall by the wayside never having a chance to become a part of the lives of people around me. I just want to get away from every single person that knows me, I want to start over, start fresh with Lisa by my side from the beginning. I'll keep in touch with a few people that never batted an eye about my sexuality or about Lisa, but I just want to run away for awhile, skip town and not look back.

I was so phucking close to coming out today to my aunts, uncles, and cousins of one side of my family, but I thought I would give my mother some respect and tell her first so she knew it was coming. Well it never got farther than that, she said not tonight, she's not ready and that was that. And all she said after a few hours was you're mad at me aren't you. No, actually I really feel great when my mother tells me no I can't tell my family who I am, yup looooooove it! Same as I love it knowing she probably wishes she didn't know who I am either. I know it's better between us than it has been for other people, I wasn't kicked out(though I was already living in another city by then) and I wasn't disowned, but you know, sometimes I wish it had turned out that way. Then it would just be finished and not this bull shyt back and forth stuff, "So how is Lisa doing, any news of when she is coming yet...No I'm not ready for you to come out to anyone else." I'm so tired of this crap. I want to go home where I feel Lisa with me all the time and can talk to her a lot more, I want to go home where I can be myself, I want to go home and it's not even Christmas yet and I'm supposed to be here through New Years as well. I just want to cry and I can't even do that because I'm not alone and Lisa isn't on to talk to.

My gurl is supposed to call me in an hour though so I'll feel better after that if all goes well. I tried twice earlier but it didn't ring on her side. I think I will go insane if I have to put up with anymore family gatherings without Lisa with me-tomorrow there's another one. I'm already half way there.

Well Merry Christmas to all you happy people out there. Maybe I can just sleep through tomorrow.