Within two hours I leave for my hometown to spend two weeks at my Mom's place. I am and I'm not looking forward to it. I know pretty much as soon as I get there I will want to turn back. Something about that town, that place, just keeps me in a near constant state of mild to medium depression. I had a pretty good childhood there and my Mom is great most days, so it's not that. It used to be that being there both before and after I moved meant that I would be living a secret life, that I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was feeling, the questions in my head, the confussion, and of course about Lisa after we met. It was like I had a world in my head that never existed outside of myself.

After I started coming out to friends, I would be depressed when I went home and came back here still not having told my Mom and usually getting asked at least once if I had a boyfriend and why not. More than once I just wanted to blurt out in the middle of "Will and Grace" or after being asked the b/f question that I'm gay and have a gurlfriend. After I came out it got better, I didn't have to hide that side of me and I could talk about Lisa, but going home and especially for this long really brings me down still.

A few days after I came out to my mom she told me that it felt like I had died. I think a few days ago I realized I really resent her for saying that, even though she took it back that night it's always been with me and we've never said anything about it since. She might have felt better when she took it back, might have regretted saying it, but it's stuck with me. It's like she took a stab in the dark and though she didn't strike me a critical blow, I'm still bleeding. I finally worked up the nerve to be truthful about myself with her, to show her who I am, and she tells me I'm dead for it. I guess I can sort of see where she was coming from, for twenty years she assumed there was a different part to me and it suddenly was changed on her, so what she thought she knew was gone. But to actually tell me when I'm already thinking she might tell me to get out, or that I'm not her daughter, or that I'm sick and perverted, I didn't really need the thought that I'm dead to.

Anyway, that wasn't really the point of this entry...I don't think. Just I really REALLY don't want to go home for two weeks, but at the same time I'd like to go home and see everyone. I'll change my mind on the see everyone part as soon as I do, those family gathering things usually leave me pissed off for one reason or another, or just thinking I can't really be related to these people! Not to mention that the most important person in my family, Lisa, isn't going to be there:( For the next two weeks we are going to be limited on how much we can talk, instead of anytime we're free, day or night, it'll be my night if she is free. I'm only going an hour and a half from where I am now, but when I'm there I feel a hundred times farther away from Lisa than I do when I am here. When I'm here I feel like she is sitting next to me, she's made her self at home here, but when I'm there I feel like we're standing in our door ways yelling down the road and across the street at each other.

It's only two weeks right, I'll survive. They're not totally empty of her. I wish I could do something for her for Christmas though, instead of it just being another day and another year for her like it has for the previous 24 years. Next year, I'll make it one she'll remember, 26 is the lucky one.

Well I best be going. I'm sure you'll be hearing about the fun I'm having at home. Happy holidays everyone.