All I want for Christmas is Lisa in my arms and if I can't have her then my only wish for Christmas is that it be cancelled this year, or at least postponed until she is here. All of these happy couples I see together and I go from jealousy to hatred(sorry) to envy to happy that at least they're together. I dread the mall cause I know they(couples) will be there, I dread the stores cause I know I will see kissing, hugging and hand holding, children laughing and carols playing, smiles bright and eyes shining. It's not fair, people come together this time of year, they stop fighting as the holiday spirit takes them over, they stop hurting because love is there, they stop blaming because santa is coming, and all I feel is empty and sad and alone. And she's going to be more alone than the ache in my heart. Christmas will come for her and there will be no one there. I'll feel alone without her but I'll still have family around and a special dinner and presents under a decorated tree. I feel so bad having any kind of Christmas at all when she has none. I would trade all of it just to have her with me, to go to bed on Christmas Eve with her beside me and to wake up still with her there. I don't need anything but her.

You know, you might think this is strange, but after all this time we've never called each other. All we have are hours upon hours logged at a computer screen and a few packages sent. We've tried calling but couldn't get through for one reason or another, but I don't know, we're such chickens when it comes to talking to each other over the phone. We very much want to and over Christmas we're going to try again, but it's just something about making that first call, hearing her voice, her accent, that makes my heart pound so fast and my breath shorten that when I reach for the phone my hand is shaking too much to figure out how to work the damn thing. How can I love someone so much I have only read the words of, someone I've never heard, never touched, never been in the same country with! All I know is I do, I do, I do, with all my heart and soul I do. My heart cries and smiles at the same time.

I know we will be together soon and all this waiting will have been worth every minute. And all the tears we have shared and all the feelings we have felt will be answered and healed by a hug, a smile, a laugh, a kiss, and a lifetime of birthdays and Christmases and everyday together. I know just because we don't sleep under the same roof or walk down the same streets or see the same people, we still live under the same sky, walk on the same earth, and see the same sun. Distance is only as far as we let our hearts get and my heart right now is so far away from me it's pounding in her chest. Love can be hard and confusing but there is one thing that has never been easier and never been more sure, that is being with her. The world can't be so bad when you can love someone like I do her and when you feel that same love directed back at you.

So for all you happy couples out there spending everyday together and waking up together on Christmas, don't take for granted your closeness or feel someone else has it better because the best there is, is the best you already have.

For all you not so happy couples out there don't let a love that was once so strong and powerful be thrown by the way side because he did this or she did that, talk, so much can be made better by talking and remembering the little things.

For all you individuals out there that are separated from your loved one, it's not the space between you that matters but the nearness of your hearts. Love is only as far as your heart, not your hand.

And for all you singles out there don't hurt because you aren't in love and don't envy those that are. Love will come to you like a butterfly in the early dawn. It will be sweet and beautiful, but if you try to rush at it, it will just fly away. Be patient and enjoy your time to yourself.

Happy Holidays everyone. I'll be writing more before Santa arrives but I know working up to that one day is when everyone feels the most. Cheer up, I love you...shhh don't tell Lisa;)