Before I admitted to myself that I am a lesbian, I don't think I did too much thinking. Not like I do now. I took so much for granted and now I see most other people doing the same thing. What seemed important or didn't seem important at all have changed. I see a bigger picture with the little things, rather than a narrow view of something grand. I think being gay, going through accepting myself and coming out to everyone, as well as meeting Lisa, learning about her life and loving with miles between us, has helped me grow in ways I never did before. There were things before that helped as well, that gave me different perspectives and experiences than my friends, but mainly it has been in recent years that I see with a clearer view.

I sit here thinking of the words to say to express my thoughts, but words don't always work for me. I've gone days thinking over and over about the same thing, playing thoughts in my mind until I can see them as if they were standing in front of me. I've felt my stomach tighten at a simple thought that has become so real. But I stop for a second and it's gone as if it was never there, and really it never was. People walk around day after day, week after week, holding someone's hand and not really thinking about what it means to be able to do that. To just reach out and find what they are reaching for, to feel the warmth of a hand in theirs and fingers entwined. And for some, to know without even thinking that no one will scrutinize or comment for this innocent act of public affection.

And how many times have I heard someone judge other people for one reason or another without knowing anything more about them than the one thing they are critizing. She's a slut cause she dresses skimpy, he's a player cause he's black, she's a dyke cause she has short hair, he's gay cause he walks funny, they're trash cause they live there, and I'm the damn phucking sexiest and greatest person to ever walk this earth, everybody wants me and anyone who doesn't don't know themself from a hole in the wall and certainly aren't worth the paper I wipe my shyt with. Pah-lease. Okay, I'm no saint, I can't say I've never judged anyone before, at one time or another maybe I did all of the above minus the I'm the greatest routine, I've never been that high on myself before, but I do know when people are still doing that and always that it makes me want to point out to them everything they can be judged on. Sorry, but I don't think there is anyone high and mighty enough that can judge and not be judged back.

I think I've sort of lost the aim of this entry from when I started. I'll try to get back...While I'm thinking about what is important in my life and knowing that in my future as long as she is in it I'll be happy; while I'm thinking how great it would be just to be hugged and knowing that love knows no distance; and while I'm thinking how life can get so bad people commit, attempt or consider suicide and knowing that there are children that face unfathomable pain from the people that are meant to love them; there are other people out there that think it's the end of the world when they only get an A instead of an A+ on their exam, or that they have the worst parents because they can't borrow the car to go party with friends, or who take and break hearts because they just want to have some fun, or who think it's the end because an anniversary or birthday was forgetten. Can this world really be full of people that only see as far as the mirror, that think the worst it ever gets is the worst that they've had, or that do something, say something, or take something, because they can without a thought of anyone else?

Some people I know seem to think like this and I just don't understand it. Maybe they haven't experienced something in their life that has made them forget all the stupid little things they think are big, maybe until it happens to them or someone they know they stay in denial to the world, I don't know, but I wish something would happen to open people's minds and make them really see.

You see the butterfly alight on a daisy, coloured wings gently fluttering, but did you ever see the caterpillar inching across the leaf?