Love sure can be confussing at times, and sweet, and painful, and amazing, and hard, and well do you have a lifetime to sit her reading what I think love is and can be? Yeah, me neither. But I'm sure from your own experiences and those of the people around you, you have your own ideas of love. So anyway, me and Lisa, the saga continues. I nearly destroyed us yesterday.

I'm not sure what started it, but all day I was in a really down mood. My mom was up visiting for the day so there was nothing I could do for how I was feeling, I went though the entire time she was her trying to fake it and feeling so close to tears that a couple times I had to concentrate on not crying so I didn't have a breakdown in the middle of the mall with my mom hovering over me. She left and Lisa was online so we started talking and about five minutes in, I was done for. Tears streaming, things being said about me feeling like a failure in my life for a few reasons and my sweet Lisa trying her best to cheer me up. She is usually pretty good at it, but yesterday I just wasn't having it. Self pity and self doubt are very destructive. I told Lisa that she should leave me, that I wasn't what she wanted and I even told her to think very long and hard about if I really am what she wants for her life.

Her long and hard lasted all of a minute and she said she wasn't going anywhere. In my state, I wasn't satisfied with that. I wanted her to seriously think, find reasons for both sides. She ended up signing off for a few hours to do it. With that I gave us both a big scare. I thought that was the end, I pushed too hard and now she really was gone and if she hadn't thought of reasons before why she didn't want to be with me, I had her out there thinking of them. And she was thinking of her past and how others had hurt her and the way I was acting was connecting to that. I knew I still had a chance she would stay with me, after all I knew she loved me and she knew I loved her, but at the same time I was pushing her away and making her question if I still wanted her.

Eventually she came back and said she was with me through thick and thin. She had taken me very seriously and did a lot of thinking, and part of her was ready to come back and say that was the end because she saw something bad happening if we stayed. The bad being from her past aswell. Though she did say she knows I couldn't hurt her like that and she hadn't thought I was turning into someone else. The other part of her knew she couldn't leave and that we could get through this kind of thing.

So, we're still together and I think we are close to how we were before and a bit stronger for it. But I know I hurt her by what I did, and I scared myself a whole lot by it. I needed her so much right then and yet I sent her away to think of reasons to leave me for good. Though I think something good did come of this, a few things actually. When she came back we talked somethings over that needed discussing and today we are talking about more. It also helped to change my perspective on somethings. What came out when all this started I don't see the same way anymore and I don't think I am a failure for those things. They're a struggle but aren't the end of the world. The end of the world would have been her listening to the part that said to leave.

I know I didn't do any permanent damage to her or to us, but I think I did to myself in a way. She is the best part of my life and I tried to push her away, I tried to make her see me though my eyes and tell her she was wrong about me. If she saw me the way I see me, we never would have made a week let alone a year. The point is not for her to see through my eyes what I see of myself, but for me to see myself through her eyes. We never see ourself like other people do and the people closest to us usually see us the way we really are. That's why they're our support system, our shoulder to cry on, and the song in our hearts. Well, all I can say is the typical cliche, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and my heart is still beating her name so I guess I didn't commit suicide yesterday...figuratively not literally, well literally I didn't either, obviously. But I mean literal suicide never factored in yesterday.

Thanks for reading, now learn from me and talk to the one you love before you have any chance of pushing them away and hurting them and you.