Sometimes, I feel like she only pays attention to me when it's convenient for her.

Sometimes, I feel like ironing her clothes or sleeping is more important to her than me.

Sometimes, I feel like I give her all the power to do as she wants but feel guilty when I do what I want.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't get mad at her because she will think I don't love her anymore.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't count on her to follow through with what she says.

Sometimes, I feel like none of this is real, that we are fake, and what is in my heart is make believe.

I love her more than I have words to say, more than I have breaths to give, more than I have time to share. I don't think there is much that can change that, certainty none of the little things that sometimes make me feel hurt for a moment. But when will those little things stop. She says she will be back in a minute and over an hour later she returns telling me got side tracked with this and that. Is it really that easy for wrinkled clothes to distract you enough you spend an hour with them rather than with the person you love? And yet I don't always tell her how these things make me feel.

I know she is sorry when she comes back and I know she feels bad. Sometimes I say something, but then I feel really guilty when I make her feel worse. I don't want to be the cause of her pain or her guilt. She has had a very tough life, never having love before and never really trusting that someone is there for her through good and bad. With me, she is for the first time feeling all that, feeling like someone really cares about her and wants to know she is alright. But I think she is still nervous about it all, somewhere inside she is waiting for me to turn into everyone else that is supposed to care for her but hurt her instead. I am not them. I never will be. It scares me to think that she might be waiting for that and that if I get mad at her she will think that means I don't love her anymore, or that I never loved her to start with. Which I do, I do so much I just want her to be happy and never feel pain again, physical, mental, emotional, and I definately don't want to be cause of any of her pain. So if I can save her from that by keeping quiet about my only little pangs when she does something, then I keep it inside and reassure her that it's alright, and it really is.

I guess sometimes I just need to know to that she still loves me and is there for me and that I'm not so forgettable that her minutes turn to hours while she does something that could wait a while longer. I know it is hard on both of us to have no physical contact, to be unable to just give the other a hug when we want to or when they need one, or to just sit in a room together. Gawd, I know it is hard. I don't expect her to stop living her life there while we are apart, I've never asked her to do that, and she's never asked me to either. We know where we stand with each other and that we don't have to worry about what the other is doing, if there is something going on behind our back. We know and we trust each other enough to have answers without questions. If she has something to do or places to go or if I do then we encourage it and ask about it later to see how things went. It doesn't bother me when she has fun with others and it doesn't bother her when I do. What does bother me is when she interrupts our conversations saying she will be right back and her knowing full well that what she is going to do is going to leave me waiting for her for a lot longer than a be right back is good for.

I wouldn't have a negative word to say if all she did was tell me she had a few things to take care of and she would be back when she was done. That's explanation enough for me. But sometimes all I get is I'll be back in a minute, thinking she is getting a drink or answering nature or something short like that.

Hmm, I'm not mad at her, when it happened or now thinking about it I'm not. I guess I'm just frustrated and a little bit annoyed, was anyway. I know it will all be different when we are together and not apart, our lives will be together instead of living like we each have two. I would give everything I had just to have her with me and to hold her in my arms. It's insane how much I love that gurl and I know I will keep loving her through a whole hell of a lot because we've already been through a lot. My perspective on life and what is really important and meaningful has changed immensely since we met. And for once in my life I like my life, I like myself, and I just want to make her happy.

Well I think that's enough from me today, writing my feelings makes me feel a lot better. Thanks for spending a few moments with me to take away my lonliness. That's another thing, since meeting her I've never felt so lonely either:( Aching arms, aching heart, cold bed, and tears shed.