Four months, hmm nothing like taking a short little break from this diary. Amazingly enough, or not so amazing since I know my life, there isn't much that has changed to talk about. Things are better than my last entry says if anyone read that. My gurl has something inserted in her arm now that gives a daily dose of medicine that she has to get refilled or replaced every six months, but something could still happen at anytime though there's a good chance it won't and she should live to at least fifty. Not long enough still but a whole lot better than five years. Her 'friends' are being jerks as usual, I don't understand how she could be the person that she is and be friends with such people. I have a feeling it's because of her past and somewhere inside her she doesn't think she deserves or will find better friends. I really want her away from them and everyone else that has hurt her. But I can't do anything from here other than be here to talk to. Hopefully, really soon into the new year she will be able to come here.

I told my mom she was coming here, but she doesn't really believe me. After us together a year I think she still thinks my gurl isn't who she says she is. What's that say about what she thinks of my judgement? At least she can accept I'm a lesbian now, unlike when I came out to her and a few days later she said it felt like I had died. And she asks about Lisa now when we talk, but I think she is accepting it more at the moment because I can say I'm gay as much as I want and I can say I have a gurlfriend as much as I want, but she doesn't see us together and she knows we aren't physically together yet so in evidence there's nothing more to my sexuality than words. How will she be when she sees us holding hands or kissing or when I bring her to family gatherings and introduce her as my gurlfriend or when I tell her we're getting married? I think she will accept us, she'll have to if she wants to see me, but it might be a bit uncomfortable to start, which I guess I can understand.

Actually no I don't understand, I'm gay so what, I'm in love with a gurl so what, I want to have a wife and be a wife so what, no one comes to me to break the news that they're straight, no one asks for my support when they tell their parents that they are heterosexual, no one tells my straight friends that it feels like they've died because they(girls) like guys. Why should it be any different for us? Because we are judged on our gender and our attraction for the same sex rather than on our hearts and our love? Because some people think that love between two women or two men is different than the love between a man and a woman? Because people make assumptions and place them on everyone's lives and if they are wrong it's up to us to tell them rather than just having them not make assumptions on other people in the first place?

I know homosexuality is a lot more accepted now than it was in the past and eventually maybe it will be fully accepted and I also know there are a lot of supporters out there but why do we need any of that when this is all about just being ourselves. I will never understand.

I'm out to the main people in my life but I still have one friend and my extended family to tell. And frankly I dont care anymore, I think I'll send them letters so I dont have to go through another 35 coming outs. Maybe not the way they would choose to be told but this is about them knowing me my way and not knowing me the way they want to know me.

Okay so that wasn't much of an update, but like I said nothing much changes in my life. I'll try not to let another four months pass before I write again. But if I don't write here I write a bit more often in my website. Take care.