I got a question. Is God always so unfair or only to the sweetest most caring people who are so deserving of happiness and love? Let me explain and maybe cry a little.

My girlfriend, whom I love with everything I am, has had a horrible life. Her past I wont get into but if you can think of the worst thing that one person can do to another, something so bad it gives you nightmares and you wake up in cold sweats and screaming, then multiply it to fill entire days and years then you might have a slight idea of her life, maybe. Add to that her baby sister, whom she was raising and loved so much, dying a month ago. Add also the people who are suppose to be close to her constantly hurting and using her, causing doubts of her worth and continued existence on earth. I would say she got the crap load from the all mighty. But that's not the worst of it.

Now the part that really makes me cry and scares me like nothing else. She told me today that the doctors have been running tests on her blood and head and whatever else, and it turns out she has a rare disease that is pretty much killing her as I write this. She didn't know much when we talked, she was to go in to see the doctor today so they could scan her head and do more tests and tell her everything. But it didn't sound good at all. In fact the doctor had already told her she was on borrowed time, but says she should also have at least five years. FIVE FUCKING YEARS. She's not even twenty for another two weeks, and her life has already been given a number. She is the best person I know, the sweetest person, and the most amazing for how she has dealt with everything handed to her. She has a heart of gold. She deserves a long life and happiness to make up for the past and now she might not get that.

I don't understand God. I don't know if I believe in God. Can there really be this higher being out there who is suppose to be supremely good when he does all this to one person?

I'm scared of losing her. I love her so much it hurts to be away from her as we are right now, but to be that far away, to have the hope of ever being together taken away by death. I just cant bare that. I don't know what I would do without her in my life, she is my life. I don't know what to do, or say, or who to talk to. I could lose her at anytime. She's the one I'm ment to spend the rest of my life with, she's my soulmate, she makes me complete, she can't just be taken from me at God's whim like it's some kind of fun game. I don't think I can live without her. I don't want to live without her. We could have five years together, that is what I'm holding onto right now, but when I want forever with her, five years is like a blink of an eye.

I want to marry her. I want to raise kids with her. We're going to travel across Canada, Australia, see Scotland, England, and Africa. We're going to build a house and have a family business. She's going to help me write scripts. We're going to spend some time just living off the land away from everyone and everything. We have too much that we have planned with each other, we can't do it all in five years. We aren't even in the same country yet, we haven't even really begun our life together yet.

Why is this happening? God can't be punishing us, we haven't done anything. I could say it's because we're gay, but we are doing nothing wrong by loving each other. She doesn't deserve this, neither do I.

I was born to make her happy and to give her a love she has never known before, to make her feel wanted and remind her of how special she really is, my heart beats for her, my lungs breathe for her, my body urns for her, we need each other. I can't lose her.

Maybe when we talk again she will have better news, maybe the doctors messed up and read the results wrong or mixed them up with someone else's, maybe they meant fifty years instead of five. I have to keep hope alive and try to stay positive. The truth of it hasn't hit her yet so she is the one staying strong for me, but when it hits I have to be the strong one. I don't know if I can be when the only person I have ever loved and ever want to love could be taken from me so soon.

Please, I beg of you, tell me God has a decent side and wouldn't do such a thing to such a good person as she is. But don't tell me there is a reason for everything that happens cause that's a load of crap.

I desperately need to be with her for every minute of whatever time we have together. I need to find a way to get to her as soon as I can. I couldn't stand being apart from her when we thought we had all the time in the world, and now I am crying inside nonstop and need to feel her in my arms right now. What can I do?