I'm out to my mom. I'm not as excited or happy as I thought I would be. I feel the same. Only depressed now cause my hometown does that to me and worried cause I've had no nothing from my girl in almost three full days. That just isn't right when she has the computer and internet right there and when she was signing on usually just after waking up and again at night. So I don't know what to think. I know she doesn't do this deliberately or anything and I'm sure there is a reason that she has been kept away and not something that I should worry about with her or us, but knowing that doesn't stop me from thinking a bunch of things.

Last time I talked to her was the day before I came home to come out to my mom and we talked about that. She had to go but said she would be on that night, actually I think she promised I know she really wanted to come back on. But she didn't. And yesterday the day I came out I thought I would hear something from her just like saying it would be alright and she loves me and all that but she didn't. And today I thought for sure there would be something, I sent her an email last night about coming out and I thought coming on tonight I would find something from her saying she was proud and knew it would be alright, but she didn't.

I'm not mad at her or anything, but she knows this was really hard and I was worried even if I wasn't all that nervous, and wouldn't you think when the person you love is about to do something like come out to their mother you would be there anyway you can before or after just so they don't feel so alone. And on top of that wouldn't you also want to be there for them someway when you know how going home makes them feel, so they have that added to the coming out. So I don't know what to think, it isn't like her to not be there for me or to stay away from her computer for so long(three days is forever to me) when she has the access right there.

Maybe her computer crashed again for the billionth time, but in three days she could have gotten back to the library to tell me, since for the past how ever many months the library was all she had. The last time we talked she was leaving to go to an auction which was a bit of a drive away, maybe something happened on the drive, I don't want to think that, but what else can I think?

She loves me, I don't doubt that and I know she wouldn't go off with someone else, I'm not worried about that. If she stopped loving me or this got too hard she would tell me, she wouldn't just leave. So what options do I have left for thinking about her absense?

Hopefully by tomorrow she will have been on or will be on when I come on and she will explain it all and I can feel happy inside again instead of worried and maybe a little hurt. But really I'm not mad at her.

I'm getting rather depressed whenever I see couples together now, I so very much want to be that couple. Not be them be them, but just be with her in the way they are with each other. I feel my heart is crying all the time, and at times like if I think too much I will just burst out in a flood of tears that won't stop till I have her arms around me. I would do anything to be able to just look beside me and see her there instead of wondering what she has been doing for the last three days so we can't even talk. I don't know. I love her and need her and I'm worried about her.

Maybe I should go to bed before I do think to much.

I'll maybe say more about coming out later. It could have gone a lot worse and she seems fine today, so I have no worries there.