I've been talking so much to my gurlfriend lately, I love it. And when I say so much I mean like we are spending an insane amount of time sitting at our computers chatting. Today so far we've talked for 12 hours and I think we will talk for probably another hour or two when she gets back. I am totally not a talker except with her. If I talk to anyone else online for like an hour I am out of things to say. If I talk to someone in person it is down to minutes usually. But with her I can talk so easily.

Yesterday we talked for ten hours, the day before probably seven. And we've been doing it everyday for the past week like this to, ever since she got her computer back and could go on when ever she wanted.

These past two days though we have really talked about some difficult things. Issues that we have personally and not having to do with our relationship but that does affect somethings with us. Today was my big share day. And though I know what I told her doesn't change anything and she understands, at least enough that it's fine, I have had this really sick feeling in my stomach and entire body for hours. Probably half of our conversation. I know she loves me for me and what I told her is just another part of me that makes me the person she loves, so I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe because I have shared so much of myself with her now. Things I never would tell anyone else and never thought I would tell even her really. And it's not like they are really bad things either, but in telling her I've had to realize things about myself to so I'm learning about myself as she is learning about me. I'm kinda sick of me now. And she would never say it or admit it to herself, but I know some of the things I said disappointed her even just slightly. Maybe that's why I'm feeling sick, because I let her down with these things when that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

Oh, I dont know. This distance between us is just really hard sometimes and the more we talk and learn about each other the more we miss each other when we are right there. I miss her the most when we are talking. If that makes sense. It's like I can see her there and I can reach out to her but my reach will be about an inch short and I won't really be able to touch her, and I just keep reaching but that distance stays. And it hurts cause I want the distance gone. I want her within my reach.

We've only ever talked online so far. We still haven't called each other though we both have wanted to so many times. And I know I really should have last week. But I didn't. Today though she sent me a short file and I heard her voice. I didn't hear much of her voice but the little bit that I did it actually scared me to be able to hear her. I don't quite know why. It was like the dream just came rushing at me full force and became reality. I knew she was real before, I've been passed the doubts for quite some time, but today it just made her so much more real. And honestly I think it scared me because I was listening to my gurlfriends voice and not a guys voice. Kind of made my sexuality come crashing over me and realize that I'm not just making this up or something. I don't spend my time thinking that I am a lesbian or that I am in love with a gurl. Loving her is just natural to me and it's who she is that I love and not what she is, so when for the first time I hear my love's voice and it's a girls voice it strikes me that what is natural for us is different for others. I don't know if this is really explaining it as best as I can. But I don't really know if I understand it all myself. Hearing her hasn't changed anything in my heart, not in the least, and I'm not at all having doubts about my sexuality because of this, it just, I dont know, made everything inside me and about her so much more real.

I think that's kind of why I haven't called her yet, even when I really should have. Just hearing her for the first time and having her hear me it changes a lot. Not that it's a bad change, I think once I get passed the scared part it will be a really good change.

She hasn't heard me yet. I don't have a mic to record my voice for her. But after hearing her, I'm more worried about her hearing me. What if it changes things for her to but in a different way, in a bad way? My heart tells me I don't have to worry about that and so does she, nothing will change our love, but my head gets into these moods sometimes and my thoughts go wild with 'what ifs.'

I want her here with me so much. I want to be able to hug her and look in her eyes and kiss her and watch a movie or do nothing at all, I just want to be with her. But if hearing a little clip of her voice scares me like this, what will knowing her arrival date do to me, and seeing her in the airport, and feeling her in my arms. God I am going to be so nervous, and scared, and sick to the point of feeling my stomach is over run by a million butterflies. I can't wait. It will be fine when I finally get to hold her, but the anticipation and the hours of counting down to her arrival I can't even imagine what kind of state I will be in.

I'll be a total mess the first time we talk on the phone and will probably feel so dumb for what I say or how my voice shakes or whatever. I don't know if I will be able to make my legs work when I am standing at the airport and see her walk out of her gate. I don't know if I will be able to let her go once I have my arms around her and I don't know if I will be able to get my arms to work in order to hold her. If I open my mouth to speak to her, will anything come out? When I look at her will I be able to see her through the flood of tears?

She knows my insecurites and intimidations, but it is these moments that really get me like nothing else. I want our first phone conversation to be perfect and our first meeting, hug, kiss, and all the other firsts to be perfect. The first is the most special because it can never be redone, but it's also the most scary and after the firsts everything else will be just fine and dandy because we've already been there and the nerves are so much less. But I know with the nerves I will feel, I am bound to do something that will make our firsts less than perfect. On the phone my voice will be too shaky and I will start to stutter. In the airport I will trip. Hugging her I will hug too tight and hurt her. Kissing her I will do it wrong. Making love I won't know how to pleasure her. Even with those it'll be perfect because we are together and little moments like that will ease the tension as we can laugh together and it will be more memorable as we look back and remember how cute the little flubbs were, but in the moment, perfection is lost and nerves rule.

This is getting rather long isn't it? Maybe I will end there, since I think I am kind of scaring myself more by thinking of something that won't happen for a while yet and won't happen nearly soon enough. Maybe I'm wrong anyway and I will be so comfortable with her as I am with talking that perfection will win out. Who knows. Guess only time will tell. I love you babygurl.