I hate waiting, I don't know what is going on, if anything has changed with my baby, if she's gotten better, if she's gotten worse, last I heard she was back in critical condition, how much worse can it get other than the word which I'm not gonna say cause if I say it I feel like I'm sending over bad vibes and it'll happen cause I said the word. I would give anything to be there right now, even if I can't do anything to make things better I could be there to go through the worst with them. I hope my gurl isn't alone, I hope she has a good friend with her. I hope she's eating. I hope she's sleeping. I know she's doing neither. And I feel horrible that I could sleep, that I could eat, that I could walk around here singing along with the music and pretend everything is alright cause I'm not right there facing it, I'm not sitting in the house with the nursery that is empty, with the toys that are left untouched, with the diapers not being changed. I can pretend that I am not attached to this because I haven't felt her body in my arms, or seen her smile, or felt her little hand holding my finger. I can tell myself she'll be alright and then make myself think of other things because this place has not been touched by her presence only my heart has, and when my heart is numb to what it is feeling I can pretend. It's a dream, it's nightmare, it's not really happening. What can my gurl do but hear the silence of the house, feel the emptiness of her arms, see my baby laying in the hospital and not being able to hold her. I am so sorry that I can't feel those things with her. I am so sorry that I can still laugh and make it seem like everything is alright. I am so sorry that when her arms are empty I can't be there to fill them and wrap my own arms around her. What can I do? What can I say? I'm useless. I ask the same questions, say the same things. When she needs me most I'm not there and I'm pretending to be strong for her when I'm not, pretending to me positive for her when I have no idea what's happening, pretending nothing is going on so I don't break down when I pass a couple and their baby on the street. I feel bad, she feels worse. I hope she comes on tonight and lets me know what's happening, even if nothing has changed. I just need to talk to her and tell her I love her and my heart is with them both. It's all I can do. I have to go.