Everything seems to be really pissing me off lately, and I don't know if I am getting paranoid or what but I think my friends are slowly drifting away from me because of my sexuality.

Here's the thing, I've come out to three of my IRL friends, who are also my roommates, and each said that it doesn't matter, that they don't care and it doesn't change anything. But I didn't know if me talking about it would make them uncomfortable even in the slightest, so I really haven't said anything much since coming out. One of them knows about my girlfriend, but doesn't know how much I love her, and I have mentioned her infront of another of the girls but didn't directly say who she was. Other than that and a few other comments to the first one we don't talk about anything related to being lesbian cause I don't want them to get uncomfortable.

But I have noticed lately that things are changing. Actually I noticed closer to the beginning to, but more so now. See before we didn't talk tonnes cause I'm not a talker but whenever they would go to the mall or out to eat or where ever they would ask if I wanted to go. But since telling them, two of them will go off together and I'll find out hours later where they went.

The end of the school year is here so everyone is studying for exams and usually we go to the university so we can study without distraction, well yesterday two of them went, they asked the third if she wanted to go though she didn't but not a word was said to me. And then today I was sitting in the livingroom when two of them came back from class, honked for the third who had to see me in the room as she went down the stairs and all three went to the university again without a word to me. So fine, I don't care I had stuff to do on the computer, I don't hold grudges, whatever, I can get over that. So when they came home I was back in the livingroom doing work to prepare for my final tomorrow and they come in and sit in the room talking and laughing and not bothering whether they are distracting me or not. Which they were, it's kind of hard to concentrate when they're talking about how they are gonna raise their kids and one wants her son to be a pimp, the other a goody goody and the other something else. Finally I gave up after staring at the ceiling and silently telling them in my head to shut the fuck up. It didn't work.

I am just really so ready to get out of this place, to get into my apartment so I can be alone and not wonder if them leaving without a word to me is on purpose and they are backing away from me or if they even realize what they are doing. And I want the silence. They don't seem to care if I am in the middle of something or not, if they need help it's help me, if they want me to see something it's come here, if they want to go somewhere it's silence.

What the fuck, am I just getting paranoid? What if once we are not living in the same place anymore and they spend the summer in another town, will they just let our friendship drop off totally since they don't have to see me everyday? Are they just saying hey to me now because they are trying to look like the good guys, staying friends even though I am some abnormal freak that likes girls. Their good people, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be friends with them if they weren't but I don't think they are as okay with my sexuality as they first said they were and they are now letting it come between us, intentionally, unintentionally I don't know, but it's not the same.

I don't know what to do, if I loose them when they say they were totally fine with it, what is going to happen when I tell the people I'm really not sure about, including my mom. If my friends leave me after a few months what's to stop my mom from dropping me on the spot and everyone else I care about.

If I could I would say fuck it all, and jump on a plane tomorrow so I could go to my girl. I really need her right now, and I know she needs me because of stuff going on in her life and yet neither of us can be there for each other and it's neither of our faults. I have her heart with me always, I know that, and she has mine, she knows that, and though we can't talk right now we know that we are there for each other, but when the stuff that is happening is going on you just really need to be there to hold the person and show them that you are there and not just say it from thousands of miles away.

I love but I can't show it, I'm in love but I can't say it, I'm pissed but I didn't tell them, I'm scared but I can do nothing to change it.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes, today my name got put on the wall at the college cause I'm on the president's list, yesterday my name was in the paper cause of the name thing, the day before was the weekend, in four days I'm starting to move my things, in nine days I will be living completely on my own. I should be happy, I should be excited, I should be estatic because of these things and instead I am pissed, I am scared, I am worried if I will have any friends or family left after I am out. And I am feeling very alone right now because I am missing my girlfriend and really just need her here beside me. Her love has given my heart wings and made me feel like I am floating but that is not enough to get me to her.

L, I desperatly need you right now.

Whoever read this far, I know that was kind of a long entry, thanks for listening. Usually writing my problems down helps but today it didn't seem to. Maybe I'll go read some emails from my girl to cheer myself up. Next entry I'll try to be more happy.